Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

Subject: An old joke with a Jewish twist

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA , a well attired middle-

aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa ("yarmulke"

in Yiddish).

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this strange

man. Please find me another seat!"

"Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate," the attendant replied,

"but the flight is virtually full today and I don't know if there is

another seat available."

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to

mention the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said, "Madam, the economy

and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First class."

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued, "It is

only on exceptions that we make this kind of upgrade, and I had to ask

permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt

that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person..."

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and

said: "So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat

for you in First class..."

At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and gave a standing

ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.

The lady then said indignantly, "The Captain must have made a mistake.."

To which the attendant replied, "No Ma'am. Captain Cohen never makes

mistakes."

I was at tesco`s earlier, and a woman dropped dead in front of me.

I felt bad for her ,she had only just bought a bag for life..

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in New York were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

(or

Carols, as we may have been allowed to

call them up till only a few years ago)

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,

particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission

must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid

offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that

laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you

ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of

any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from

the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action

will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation

will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will

be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty

Road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of

frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of

oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative

would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - This is definitely one for Social Services

^

BBQ RULES

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are

put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and

makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a

tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to

the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter

exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding

activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and

cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is

looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while

he flips the meat.

Important again:

( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO

THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,

napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the

dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his

cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night

off ," and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that

there's just no pleasing women.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bi****s would

keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

……………….

"Now what the **** would you say?"

Top 10 brands least likely to sponsor Tiger Woods

1.Volkswagen: "Drivers wanted"

2.Tiger Balm: "Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire"

3.Brylcreem: "Control yourself"

4.Hanes underwear: "A man can't swing if his underwear doesn't"

5.Duracell Bunny: "It keeps going, and going and going"

6.Butlins: "Play Happy Families"

7.Trust House Forte: "Yours Faithfully"

8.Vauxhall: "Put the fun back into driving"

9.Greggs: "Ready when you are"

10.Peugeot: "The drive of your life"

And a tagline an existing sponsor won't revive any time soon

Nike: "If it feels good then just do it"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few

minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see

anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time

he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair,

behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone.

A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more,

so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice

but can't figure out who is speaking.

The bartender says, "Oh that! That's the nuts, they're complimentary."

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.

His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law."

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your

mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!"

Little Maury wanted desperately to have a bit of fun with this really cute, really

hot girl at school.... but she was dating someone else. One day little

Maury got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a £50

if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO!"

Little Maury said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,

you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her

boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend

says,"Ask him for £100, then pick up the money really fast. He won't even

be able to get his pants down."

So she agreed and accepted little Maury's proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his

girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks

what happened....

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "All The swine had was Ten-pence pieces!"

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

>

> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

>

> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

>

> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

>

> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no longterm adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

>

> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

>

> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

>

> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

>

> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

>

> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

>

> Am I wrong?

>

> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

>

> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

>

> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

>

> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

>

> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

>

> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

>

> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

>

> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

>

> I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

>

> PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

>

> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how

many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of

Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50,

they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,

a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak

tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,

flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

A man parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, he grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After he finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the man.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The man looks down in absolute horror "Oh S***!!!!!! he screams........

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"Where's my Rolex ? ? ? ?..."