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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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The Queen was in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond. HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond. AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence  How ab

It made me laugh brochbuilder, some folk need to loosen up a bit.

CLASSIC VERSION:   The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.   The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and lau

Guest Anonymous

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

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Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

 

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

 

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

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Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser?

 

He got the sack! :D

 

What is red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree?

 

A sanitary owl! :D

 

What's black and loud?

 

Stevie Wonder answering the iron! :D

 

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

 

A pilot you racist bar steward! :D

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CLASSIC VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer

long, building his house and laying up supplies for

the winter.

 

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and

dances and plays the summer away.

 

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed.

 

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so

he dies out in the cold.

 

THE END.

 

 

 

THE BRITISH VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer

long, building his house and laying up supplies for

the winter.

 

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and

dances and plays the summer away.

 

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

 

So far, so good, eh?

 

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and

demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be

warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like

him, are cold and starving.

 

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the

shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant

in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table

laden with food.

 

The British are stunned that in a country of such

wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so

while others have plenty.

 

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the

Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single

Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition

Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's

house.

 

The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival

special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts

them singing "We Shall Overcome."

 

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama

that the ant has got rich off the backs of

grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on

the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

 

In response, the Labour Government drafts the

Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination

Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

 

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined

for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without

enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed

retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden

Council.

 

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful

AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within

weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory

purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

 

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing

up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still

months away, while the government house he is in,

which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles

around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot

is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will

cost £10,000,000.

 

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the

Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of

government to address the root causes of despair

arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is

taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by

the government for enriching Britain's multicultural

diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing

Operations and terrorize the community.

 

 

 

THE END

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