Njugle Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Any body ken any side splitters? NB Any mention of chickens and roads here will meet with the foulest response!! Preferably suitable for all ages likely to view this forum,please Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yowe Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate..... Ok, it's not the best but it's a joke dammit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JAStewart Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 A man phone up work and says to his boss "I can't come to work today, I'm sick" and his boss says "Well how sick are you?" and the man replies "Well I'm in bed with my sister". I totally stole that from the Fast Show live Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoolHaddock Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 This isna really a joke, more of a life philosophy......but I'll submit it anyway! If at first you don't succeed.......so much for skydiving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 13, 2006 Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 Whats the difference between your wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Chuck norris does not sleep. He waits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pooks Posted February 14, 2006 Report Share Posted February 14, 2006 Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser? He got the sack! What is red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? A sanitary owl! What's black and loud? Stevie Wonder answering the iron! What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist bar steward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trout Posted February 18, 2006 Report Share Posted February 18, 2006 CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END. THE BRITISH VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh? The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council. The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant). The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing Operations and terrorize the community. THE END Viking Lass and Guy Mealing 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jz Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 THE BRITISH VERSION: The Daily Mail version, you mean thomason146 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trout Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 THE BRITISH VERSION: The Daily Mail version, you mean The sent in an email version Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 Hear is a good one... The council is going to build and cinema and not have to bail it out every year! joke if i've ever heard one! hehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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