Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

50°F

People in Southern England turn on the central heating

People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

 

40°F

Southerners shiver uncontrollably

Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

 

35°F

Cars in the South of England refuse to start

People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

 

20°F

Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats

Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts

 

15°F

Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent

People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry

 

0 F

Life in the South grinds to a halt

Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

 

-10°F

Life in the South ceases to exist

People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

 

-80°F

Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on

Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

 

-100°F

Santa Claus abandons North Pole

People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

 

-173°F

Alcohol freezes

Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

 

-297°F

Microbial life starts to disappear

The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

-460°F

All atomic motion stops

Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

 

-500°F

Hell freezes over

Scotland will support England in the World cup

[Malcolm]

Telly wiz crap tonight so I listened to some Jackson Five cd's instead.

"Now with no added colours".

[Malcolm]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!

 

So the Minister asked the congregation -

 

What did you learn from this demonstration???

 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

 

That pretty much ended the service

[Malcolm]

A woman from California who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, What took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.

[Malcolm]

A man walks into a garage and say ' ma wee laddie has jist pouwred chocolate intae the engine, dae yae think it wull break doon'?

 

 

Mechanic replies'

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' It's Bounty'

[SEamAN]

A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.

 

A small boy bends over in front of them to tie his shoe lace.

 

The priest nudges the rabbi and says "God id like to screw him!"

 

The rabbi replies "Out of what?!"

[Malcolm]

A professor has found after extensive research that there are in fact, 2 sizes of penis amongs UK men:

 

those which fall in the normal size range

those which are less than 2" whilst erect

 

The professor is appealing for help to continue his research and is asking all men in the UK with extremely small penises to make themselves known by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars.

[Malcolm]

A man in Lerwick walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

 

"Some old b*****d wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

 

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

 

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

 

 

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

 

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

 

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

 

"Wales, sir," the boy replied.

 

"Why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.

 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

 

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from Wales !"

 

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[Cygni]

It's a slow day in Rochdale. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

 

 

 

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

 

 

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

 

 

 

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

 

 

 

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

 

 

 

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

 

 

 

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

 

 

 

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

 

 

 

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

 

 

 

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

 

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today..

[Malcolm]

An officer stopped a driver for running a red light. The guy was a real

jerk and came running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being

harassed by the Gestapo!

 

The officer calmly told him of the red light violation.

 

The "Motorist" instantly went on a tirade, questioning the officer's

ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade

went on for several minutes without the officer saying anything.

 

When the officer finished writing the ticket he put an "AH" in the lower

right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then handed it to

the "Violator" for his signature.

 

The guy signed the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy pointed

to the "AH" and demands to know what it stood for.

 

The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're

an sphincter!"

 

Two months later they were in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving

record he is about to lose his license and had hired a lawyer to represent

him. On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run the red

light.

 

Under cross examination the defense attorney asked; "Officer is this a

reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

 

The officer responded, "Yes sir, that is the defendant's copy, his

signature and mine...same number at the top.

 

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this

ticket you don't normally make?"

 

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an

"AH," underlined."

 

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

 

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

 

Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

 

Officer: "Yes Sir?

 

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for sphincter?"

 

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do.

[Malcolm]

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved

old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest

that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game.

 

"I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents," he

confessed.

 

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the

priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of

his coat.

 

"That's not all, Father." said the confessor. "I got mad and punched one

of my opponents."

 

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

 

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's

players in the ... in a sensitive area."

 

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his

sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

 

"Southern Methodist."

 

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve clean, "boys will be boys."

[Malcolm]

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along

with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal

ticket, or "chit."

 

That evening, after dinner, I presented my meal ticket to the cashier. "Is

this chit worth $10?" I asked.

 

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal

that bad?"

[Malcolm]

A tourist from Kazakstan goes on his first trip overseas. Upon arriving, he

is visibly puzzled while filling out his visa application.

 

The border official looks over his shoulder and sees the tourist trying to

write "Twice a day" in the space labelled SEX.

 

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this

question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

 

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

[Malcolm]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a

small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again

the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was

collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n

the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,

approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a

week in the collection plate," he stated.

 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some

of it to the church."

 

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you

can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered,

"$10,000 a week."

 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a

living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable

profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has

two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

[Malcolm]

Ole and the Wrestler…

 

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,

 

"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'.

 

Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

 

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

 

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

 

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air..

 

His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

 

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

 

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

 

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...

 

I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

 

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

 

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"