Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

A fairy appears before a man and offers him a wish.

 

The man says "I wish to live forever"

 

"Sorry," says the fairy, "I cannot grant eternal life."

 

The man thinks and then says, "I wish to die when England win the World Cup again."

 

The fairy says, "Sneaky git!"

[gafynandrew]

You've got to admire Emile Heskey.....

He had a disasterous world cup,

he came home,

put on a frock,

and won the women's title at Wimbledon.....lol

[Billy/T22]

Farmer phones his son and says "I have run over a pig, and it is still alive, what do i do?"

Son says "Shoot it and bury it"

20 mins later the farmer phones his son back and says "Now what do i do with his motorbike and Speedcamera?"

[Malcolm]

A young woman goes to see a doctor to ask advice on a very sensitive matter.

"I'm getting married on Saturday,' the distraught young lady cries, and my husband is convinced I am a virgin. What he doesn't know is I lost my virginity years ago. Is there any way I can convince him I'm still a virgin?"

 

"Medically, no" the doctor replies, " but I do have a suggestion which may help. On your wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, slide an elastic band around your thigh. When he enters you, simply twang the band with your fingers and tell your husband that it is the sound of your hymen snapping."

 

On the big day, the newlyweds go up to their honeymoon suite. The bride goes into the bathroom and slides her elastic band around her thigh. The couple get down to some serious married sex. Just as her husband enters her, the bride snaps the band and moans with what she thinks is a mixture of ecstasy and pain.

 

" what was that?" the husband cries

"ooh" the woman moans "that must of been my cherry popping love"

"well snap it back, it caught round my b*****ks"

[Malcolm]

The Emu . . . . . . .

 

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu

behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the

emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be

$9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger,

chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

 

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the

waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a

salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places

it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,

mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your

pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out the

back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared

and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay

for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right

amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the

exact money is always there,' says the man.

 

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

 

The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers,

 

'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big ass and long legs, who

agrees with everything I say.'

[Malcolm]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.

 

How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

 

Are you at peace with God?'

 

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the

bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

 

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it

true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

 

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!'

[zebbidy]

want a laugh go to http://www.1227.com

[upnorth76]

Italia 90'

Euro 96'

Rothbury 2010

 

Why is it when Gazza shows up, there's always a shoot out?

[upnorth76]

(** mod edit - poor taste 'joke' removed **)

[Malcolm]

^^ ^^ Not funny just offensive !

[icepick239]

Who's gonna be kind and tell me the significance of:

Registered (this I do know)

But:

Hidden

Guests

Bots Thanks

[EM]

Guests are unregistered humans (or registered but not logged-in).

Hidden are registered humans who have selected not to have their user name listed when accessing the site.

Bots are indexing search agents from Google etc.

[icepick239]

Guests are unregistered humans (or registered but not logged-in).

Hidden are registered humans who have selected not to have their user name listed when accessing the site.

Bots are indexing search agents from Google etc.

Thanks EM

[Malcolm]

A female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being

observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock

have that I have too?"

 

Little Marsha stood up and said, "It has a face."

 

Little Maury raised his hand and said, "It has hands."

 

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

 

After a long silence, little Pauly rose and said, "You ain't got no

pendulum, Miss."

[Malcolm]

Subject: Important Discoveries

 

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting,

invented furs.

 

Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting,

invented make-up.

 

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered

conversation, invented gossip.

 

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented

diet.

 

Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented

marriage.

 

Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never

recovered.