teenie Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 ^^^^^ Classic! Sure its the way ya tell em, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay_Corolla Posted May 14, 2006 Report Share Posted May 14, 2006 there's plenty more to come... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Njugle Posted June 20, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 Posted on another thread: Here's one to kick off with. A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello. He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?" She said "no, I'm your son’s maths teacher." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollydodo Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Sorry guyz for starting another joke thread. Must have missed the original one, but I am OLD and my eyesight is failing . . . Try this Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator Correct Answer:Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way!) Q2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator Wrong Answer:Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator Correct Answer:Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions!) Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend Correct Answer:The elephant, since it is still in the refrigerator (This tests your memory!) Q4. There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it Correct Answer:You swim across All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bannock Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Whats green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollydodo Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 Corporate Lesson No 1 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!! Corporate Lesson No 2 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story is: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!! (Sincere apologies to all 'upper management') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollydodo Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. (Oh MG. It cant get any worse, or can it?? Yes it can!! Just wait for the Groucho Marx jokes!!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dollydodo Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 And - here are some Groucho Marx one liners, or otherwise! Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.†Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.†I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.â€(Ohhhhh yessss!) I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.†One morning I shot an elephant in my pjamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.†“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.†“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.†“I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that†“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.†Yeh! Groan, groan, groan, says DollyDodo!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanman Posted June 26, 2006 Report Share Posted June 26, 2006 What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?? A carrot ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 A guy goes to the SIC to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in local government service before?" "Yes," he says. "for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. I had an accident and lost my testicles." The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 9 A.M. to 4.30 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 11 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 9 A.M. to 4.30 P.M then why do you want me to come in at 11 A.M.?" "This is an SIC job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
technobob Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 Have you heard the one about the 'Constipated Mathmetician'.... He worked it out with a pencil!!!!.... Well I liked it anyway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RickB Posted November 2, 2006 Report Share Posted November 2, 2006 Have you heard the one about the 'Constipated Mathmetician'.... He worked it out with a pencil!!!!.... Well I liked it anyway My kinda joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkstarIII Posted November 2, 2006 Report Share Posted November 2, 2006 5 STAGES OF BEING PISSED!! Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkstarIII Posted November 2, 2006 Report Share Posted November 2, 2006 DRUNK WORDS DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE PISSED! * Innovative * Preliminary * Proliferation IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE PISSED * Thanks, but I dont want sex * No, I dont want another drink * No Kebab for me, thanks * Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me * Good evening officer as it comes out occifer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkstarIII Posted November 2, 2006 Report Share Posted November 2, 2006 Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked...as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this...... NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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