Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want

everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

 

Billy says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any

homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Billy."

 

Mary says, "The sky is very dark ... perhaps it's going to rain." The

teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

 

She calls on Little Johnny in the back: "Johnny?"

 

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my mom was naked on

the couch, and screaming, 'God, I'm coming!' The postman was on top of her

and perhaps he was trying to prevent her from floating to Heaven."

[Malcolm]

Paul and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to

Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

 

In the morning, Little Johnny, Paul's brother, gets up and has his

breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom,

"Are Paul and Mary are up yet?"

 

She replies, "No."

 

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

 

Not really wanting to know what's in Little Johnny's filthy mind, his mom

replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!"

 

Later that day, Little Johnny comes home for lunch and again asks his mom,

"Are Paul and Mary up yet?" Again she replies, "No."

 

Little Johnny again says, "Do you know what I think?"

 

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to

school!"

 

After school, Little Johnny comes home and once again asks, "Are Paul and

Mary up yet?"

 

Once again, his mom answers, "No."

 

Once again, he asks, "Do you know what I think?"

 

Realizing there's no way she can get out of this, Little Johnny's mom

reluctantly agrees to hear Little Johnny out.

 

"OK," she sighs. "Tell me what you think."

 

Little Johnny explains, "I think that, last night, when Paul came to my

room for the Vaseline, that I accidentally gave him my airplane glue

instead."

[Malcolm]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each

other for quite a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was

finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation

regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living

arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of

their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about Sex?' he asked, rather

tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman

sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards

her and whispered; 'Is that one word or two?'

[Malcolm]

There was some mix-up with a Mitzi's (a natural blonde) cabin. The cruise

ship clerk was trying to remedy the situation.

 

He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?"

 

She replied, after a bit of thought, "Well, it looks like it might rain

today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

 

===========================================================

 

Whilst nursing her baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Emily, came

into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was

intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

 

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but

I don't think she knows how to use them.'

[Malcolm]

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an

eternity.

 

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his

back swing.

 

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so

long?'

 

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained.

 

'I want to make a perfect shot.'

 

His companion said, 'You don't have a

chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

[Malcolm]

A man and his fiancee met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony

papers. While filling out the form, the man read aloud a few questions.

 

Then he got to the last one which read, "Are you entering this marriage of

your own free will?"

 

He glanced over at this fiancee.

 

She said, "Put down 'yes'"

[Malcolm]

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested

her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.

 

Each officer on the force was assigned a page of the names in it and told to check them out. After a

week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.

 

When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief,

but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-eight-year old

woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

 

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost

all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

[Malcolm]

"Hi Bitzi!"said Mitzi, brightly as she approached her friend one day.

"How's it going?"

 

"Not so good." replied Bitzi, glumly.

 

"Why?" asked Mitzi.

 

"I failed my road test." responded Bitzi.

 

"Wow!" said Mitzi. "What happened?"

 

"I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30' so I drove 30 times around it." answered Bitzi.

"And they failed me! Can you believe it?!"

 

Mitzi said, sympathetically, "You probably just counted wrong."

[LandRover S2a]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

 

 

One to pose a question about changing light bulbs and later to post that the light bulb has been changed.

 

One to offer a simple way to change the light bulb.

 

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

 

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

 

One to move it to the Lighting section.

 

Two to argue then move it to the Electrical section.

 

Seven to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

 

Five to flame the spell checkers.

 

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

 

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

 

Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

 

Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

 

Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

 

Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

 

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

 

Seven to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

 

Four to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

 

Three to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

 

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too."

 

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

 

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

 

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

 

One forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

and one to link to a Microsoft Knowledge Base article stating that light bulbs can no longer be changed since Microsoft have defined darkness to be the new standard.

[Malcolm]

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold

him for ransom.

 

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped

you."

 

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag

and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A

Blonde."

 

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

 

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was

sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that

said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Malcolm]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

 

Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.

 

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

 

Little Old Lady There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Lady No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

 

Defence Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

 

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defence Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

 

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

 

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little git.

[Spinner72]

How many shetlinkers does it tak ta tar a driveway....

 

 

[JohanofNess]

How many shetlinkers does it tak ta tar a driveway....

 

 

 

3

 

One to over spec the materials

Second to argue with the first

Third person to call a company to come and do it to a sensible specification

[Malcolm]

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be

bothered to walk all the way home.'

 

'I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

 

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

 

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

 

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

 

'I can't find a No. 91'

 

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.'

[Malcolm]

A man entered the bus with both of his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

 

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"