Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

I used to hate weddings, all the old dears would poke me and say 'your next' It soon stopped when I did the same to them at funerals!

[Malcolm]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

 

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

Little Jenny was next:

 

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

 

The teacher held her breath ...

 

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

 

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

 

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

 

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

 

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!"

 

Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."

[Malcolm]

The Pope and the Queen attend the Old Firm Clash at Celtic park, the pope turns to the Queen and asks her if she wants to see 60,000 Celtic fans cheer, so the pope stands up and raises his hand, the Celtic fans stand up and cheer to show their acknowledgement.

 

The Pope and the queen attend the next Old Firm game at Ibrox and the queen turns to the Pope and asks if he wants to see 70,000 blue noses cheer, He says ok and the Queen sticks the head on him.

[Trow87]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking through the plains. They come across a body with an arrow sticking in it.

"The work of the Cherokee" says Tonto, looking at the arrow.

"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Cherokee use feather of eagle," explains Tonto.

A little while later they encounter another body, again killed by an arrow.

"Sioux" says Tonto.

"Tell by the feathers?" asks the Ranger.

"No, by the arrow head. Sioux use flint."

"Oh" says the Ranger.

Further along, yet another dead body greets them, but this time it's covered in dozens of little arrows.

"Well, which tribe did this?" asks the Lone Ranger again.

"Rangers fans" says Tonto decisively.

"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger.

Tonto replies, "Wee Arra People."

[Trow87]

Marriage is like a pack of cards. At the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond, but before long you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

[fionajohn]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour going on. He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going... Do you know what the e-mail said? NO? Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.

[Tartanlass]

DIFFICULT NEIGHBOURS AND COUNCIL TAX

 

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.

 

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

 

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by an old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the Police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never done a normal job!

 

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

 

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

 

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father? They are out of control.

 

 

 

I hate living near Windsor Castle .

[Marooned in Maywick]

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda messed up -- I asked for an orange for a head."

[Zog]

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants,

bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum,

sits down next to him.

The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

 

Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'

 

Scotsman: (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

 

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France ,

we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,

recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to

Scotland .'

 

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

 

Scotsman listens in silence.

 

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'

 

Scotsman: 'Of course.'

 

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling):

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all

the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,

transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'

 

After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have sex

in France ?'

 

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

 

Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used

them?

 

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

 

Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container,

recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France'

[MJ]

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page, on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

 

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog".

[ftlr]

The Pope and the Queen attend the Old Firm Clash at Celtic park, the pope turns to the Queen and asks her if she wants to see 60,000 Celtic fans cheer, so the pope stands up and raises his hand, the Celtic fans stand up and cheer to show their acknowledgement.

 

The Pope and the queen attend the next Old Firm game at Ibrox and the queen turns to the Pope and asks if he wants to see 70,000 blue noses cheer, He says ok and the Queen sticks the head on him.

70,000 at Ibrox ?

Boom Boom

[ftlr]

How many Rangers supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None,they live in perpetual darkness.

 

How many Aberdeen supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None,they believe electricity be magic sprites that live in the walls.

[Malcolm]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

[Malcolm]

Magnie fae Yell and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the park.

 

Magnie says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

 

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

 

Magnie replies "I've put the dog in wir park. Let's see how they like it!"

[Malcolm]

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

 

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"