Malcolm Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give Pauly a shot of Novocain. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and Pauly objects. "I can'tdo the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill."No objection," Pauly says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." Pauly says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something tohold on to when I pull your tooth." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and wasforced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanicin the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdleand a McKay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 A young lady had become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, amedical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor shebroke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with anidea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital for an appendixoperation when you give birth. We'll just give her your baby and tell herit wasn't the appendix after all." The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birththere were no women in for an appendix operation in the hospital, in factthe only person who was, was an old priest. The doctor, desperatelyrealizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might aswell try anyway. The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception hetook his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become afine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to hisdeathbed. "There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not yourfather." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am yourmother, the bishop is your father." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 11, 2012 Report Share Posted March 11, 2012 The Lonely Widow A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!""You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"The wedding is scheduled for Saturday... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his handslowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing herbreasts, and then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her innerthigh. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife opens her eyes and gasps, "Why did you stop?" He replies, "Found the remote ... Go back to sleep!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 25, 2012 Report Share Posted March 25, 2012 TOP TIPS 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 2. Avoid arguments about leaving the toilet seat up, by using the sink. 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. But, remember to always use a timer. 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 5. If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough. 6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shetland_boys Posted March 26, 2012 Report Share Posted March 26, 2012 TOP TIPS 5. If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArabiaTerra Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 http://www.amazon.com/AudioQuest-K2-terminated-speaker-cable/dp/B000J36XR2/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1332760564&sr=8-2-spell Read the reviews. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DizzyKipper Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 http://www.amazon.com/AudioQuest-K2-terminated-speaker-cable/dp/B000J36XR2/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1332760564&sr=8-2-spell Read the reviews. lol It's happy - and it's sunny. Tomorrow it is sad, what will happen to the weather I wonder? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter." "Sorry, but I don't follow you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMouth Posted April 14, 2012 Report Share Posted April 14, 2012 Guy goes to the council for a job. Interviewer asks 'Are you allergic to anything?' 'Yes, caffeine', 'Are you disabled in anyway?' 'Yes', he replies, 'I was in the army & a bomb exploded near me & blew my testicles off'. Interviewer - 'Ok ur hired. Hours are 8 til 3 but you can start at 10 everyday'.Guy asks 'why 10?' Interviewer- 'this is a council job, 1st 2 hours we stand drinking coffee & scratching our stoness so no point you coming in!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dratsy Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Funniest guy I'm ever seen, beware some may find this offensive http://youtu.be/1XG-_PNS2sQ http://youtu.be/q2yAe02cRjs http://youtu.be/LUjPoyGPKtQ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heimdal Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it." Wife texts back: "Computer completely ****ed now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soundview Posted April 18, 2012 Report Share Posted April 18, 2012 What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alchemy Posted May 1, 2012 Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Not strictly a joke but it made me laugh.... www.dangerousminds.net/comments/jesus_christ_spotted_on_dogs_butt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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