Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

I said to my other half, "Have you got a newspaper?"

 

"Don't be silly!" was the reply, "You can borrow my iPad."

 

That spider never knew what hit it.

[Malcolm]

Scouser's Vasectomy

 

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

 

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

 

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Wigan, Birmingham, parts of Sheffield, the whole of Essex and anywhere in Wales

[Heimdal]

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

 

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

 

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy kept pointing to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realised what the boy was pointing at, he asked the lad, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

 

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,

 

"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months"

[Malcolm]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

[RickB]

The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..

 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

 

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

 

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

 

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

[Malcolm]

Glaswegian Nicknames

 

 

 

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

 

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

 

 

 

*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

 

 

 

*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

 

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

 

 

 

*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.

 

 

 

*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.

 

 

 

*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

 

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour. (B.O.)

 

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone else opens a bottle of alcohol.

 

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

 

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

 

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

 

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

 

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out anywhere.

 

 

 

*Father* – He was notorious for not signing off reports saying “I’ll not father thatâ€

[Malcolm]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

 

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[owre-weel]

Malcolm, your jokes always make me smile. Keep up the great work

[Malcolm]

Tragedy struck at the London Rubber Company today when a workman fell into a vat of latex in the company's condom manufacturing plant.

 

Paramedics and the Fire Service attended but, despite valiant attempts to save the man, the more rescuers tried to tug him from the vat, the more the stretchy liquid pulled him back.

 

Eventually admitting defeat, they were forced to leave the man to his fate and, as he slid deeper into the rubber, the emergency services left the scene.

 

Resigned to his fate, the workman asked for one last request of his employers, reflecting on how he'd always wanted to dine on a five course meal at the Ritz but that now he would never achieve his ambition.

 

Realising that this was the least they could do, LRC managers had a menu faxed through from the Ritz and the man chose chilled broccoli consomme, braised sea bass, a medium rare steak with all of the trimmings and creme caramel, all washed down with the best wines that the Ritz could supply to accompany each dish.

 

Now, almost entirely swallowed by the rubber, his head barely visible and with little time to spare, cheese and biscuits followed. Then, whilst munching on after dinner mints, with coffee and brandy supplied to him via a tube, the man disappeared below the surface.

 

Commenting briefly on the tragedy, an LRC spokesman said, "After fruitless attempts by other staff and the emergency services to save the workman, we managed to make him as comfortable as possible and, in his last moments, the condomed man ate a hearty meal!"

[Malcolm]

In an investigation into numerous thefts of lorry loads of Hyena flavoured Oxo cubes, now spanning some six months, South African Police detectives have admitted that they have no idea who is behind the raids, adding that thieves were making them a laughing stock!

[Malcolm]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my other half walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take ages

100 feet, 80 feet, 50 feet finally the excitement was so much I thought my heart would burst.

I called out “OI! Get over here quickâ€, Stella Artoise is buy two get one free!

[Heimdal]

Customer asks the assistant if she has any Irish sausages. The assistant asks him if he's from Ireland. Being Irish he felt somewhat racially challenged and says "Excuse me! If I asked for Polish sausage would you ask if I was Polish?"

 

"No" she says

 

"And if asked I asked for chorizo would you ask if I was Spanish?"

 

"No, I wouldn't" she says

 

"And if I asked for Toulouse sausage would you ask if I was French?"

 

"Definitely not" she says.

 

"So just because I ask for Irish sausages why do you assume I'm Irish?"

 

"Because this is Harry's" she says.

[Malcolm]

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

 

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts:

 

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...

but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

 

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."

So I took her to McDonalds.

 

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then

harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.

"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.

"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

 

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be

punished."

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"

"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the

receipt.

 

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

 

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."

She nodded.

"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on that auction site.

 

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently

massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

 

I found her lying naked on the shed floor, covered in rose petals.

'What do you think?' she purred.

'Not sure,' I said, 'Could be greenfly.'

 

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'

'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

 

'Drive me wild!' she begged.

'I know exactly what you mean,' I thought, 'Knowsley Safari Park, here we come!'

 

'Give it to me now and give it to me hard!' she begged.

'Alright,' I said, 'But I still think a Viennetta's better when it's defrosted.'

 

'So,' I asked, 'Do you prefer to be on top or underneath?'

'I'm not sure,' she said, 'I didn't expect you to have a bunk bed in your shed.'

 

Each firm stroke was bringing me closer and closer to that moment of relief and satisfaction.

Soon my shed would be completely weatherproof.

 

She said she wanted to be an internet porn star,

so we left the shed door open and waited for the google streetview van . . .

 

The black leather didn't worry me. Or the heavy breathing.

But I must admit I was a bit concerned when she said, 'Luke, I am your father.'

 

Shed builders don't like to boast but I had to admit it wasn't the first time I'd had to get planning permission for one of my erections.

 

'Mmmm . . that's so good,' she sighed, 'You know just how I like it.'

'Of course I do,' I grinned, 'Milk, two sugars.'

 

We were so excited we raced home and made the beast with two backs.

It should have been a coffee table but that's Ikea instructions for you.

 

'Prepare to suffer like no other man has,' she said, drawing her razor-sharp fingernail up the cellophane of the Sex and the City box set.

[Para Handy]

As an Equal Opportunities Employer Shetland Health Board has announced that they have had to employ a Witch Doctor. Who will be in residence in the loft space of the new Scalloway Pharmacy. As part of their alternative medicine project.

 

Kwame Ahmed specialisation in Demons, Fire Dancing and Rain Dancing etc.

He is already booked 6 months in advance. A Shetland Health Board spokesman said

They had to give up on the Brothel as they could no longer cover the cost of the try before you buy Viagra pills never mind all the Blood Pressure pills also needed for older men who were losing blood pressure due to severer extended erections times.

[Hector's House]

my rhubarb had come up a treat.

As Finbar Saunders would say - "Fnarr! Fnarr!"