Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over Cunningsburgh. They bark all day and all

night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the

doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these

and your trouble will be over."

 

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

 

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your

plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that

could be", said the doctor, shaking his head.

 

"Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered

the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when

I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Malcolm]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a

problem!"

 

"What's the problem, Eve?"

 

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of

these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not

happy."

 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

 

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

 

"What's a man, Lord?"

 

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat

and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger,

faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's

aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way

that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel

in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too

smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

 

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the

catch, Lord?"

 

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

 

"What's that, Lord?"

 

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to

let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little

secret..."

 

"You know, woman to woman."

[Malcolm]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery

presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the

world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the

shelf and gives it to him.

 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me

'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

 

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain

spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

 

The guy from Valhalla Brewery sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender

is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you

drinking a Guinness?" and the Valhalla Brewery president replies, "Well, I figured

if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[JustMe]

Subject: FW: Christmas Cake Recipe

 

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe

so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

 

 

(Made mine this morning!!!!)

 

1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown

sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

 

 

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check

the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

 

 

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the

Vodka is still OK.

 

 

Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

 

 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.

 

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now turd shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

 

Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and

try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

 

 

 

Xx

[Malcolm]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back

and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at

first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!... I CANT park the bloody car! You do

it you SMUG GIT!"

[Para Handy]

Someone has stolen all the toilet seats from the Lerwick police station.

A police spokesman says they have nothing to go on.

[Para Handy]

Michael Gove has announced an inquiry into cross- eyed teachers.

Statistics have showing that cross-eyed teachers have had problems with their pupils.

[Malcolm]

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of

his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"

 

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

 

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

[owre-weel]

A teacher asked the children, "What would you like to be when you grow up?"

 

Little Johnny piped up, "I want to be a billionaire, going to the world’s most expensive clubs, with the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Knightsbridge, a château in France, a private jet to travel the world, a platinum Amex card and, bonk her three times a day."

 

The shocked teacher decided to play it down by ignoring what he’d said and continued with the lesson.

 

“And you, Olivia?â€

 

" I’d like to be Johnny's bitch, miss."

[Para Handy]

posted just as I receved it

 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

 

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

 

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

 

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

 

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

 

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

 

THEN THE UGLY,

 

OLD,

 

BALD,

 

WRINKLED,

 

FAT ARSED,

 

GREY HAIRED,

 

DECREPIT,

 

BABOON ASKED..

 

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

[Malcolm]

An Arab walks into a bar

 

 

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

 

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

 

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

 

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

 

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

 

 

 

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?

 

 

 

I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly sausage does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

 

 

 

"No," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Malcolm]

Subject: Another Interesting Piece of History

 

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

 

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out

of the goat first.

 

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of

Education.

[Malcolm]

A South African man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

 

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

 

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

 

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

 

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about

30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of

God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Malcolm]

Wishing all my readers a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

 

Bright Blessings to all.

[JustMe]

Please keep us smiling through the rest of 2012 and into 2013!.