Malcolm Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wifeshould wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her netherregions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do notreturn within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normallife." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees acloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his bestfriend. "What's wrong?" he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of herkindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and shecould see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't wantto go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrongfeet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling theboots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool astogether they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the rightfeet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Whydidn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled tohelp him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots.My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up thegrace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" Hesaid, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of adesert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created anight watchman position (GS-4) and hired a man for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person towrite the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the taskscorrectly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one (GS-9) to do thestudies and one (GS-11) to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payrollofficer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" Sothey created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin.Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary(GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year andwe are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a[HUGE SNIP]So they laid off the night watchman.[/HUGE SNIP] Not funny.. That's the way that the SIC works... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 1, 2013 Report Share Posted January 1, 2013 A man has been hospitalized after doctors found six plastic horses up his backside. Doctors described his condition as stable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArabiaTerra Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.†The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.†The rabbi continues, “…and look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, broken glass everywhere, but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely it is a sign. God wants us to drink this wine, give thanks, and celebrate our good fortune.†Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and offers the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?†The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from anearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in apatient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage withhorns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we canfix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their hornswould grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds ofcattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns,ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.After two years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead itemon the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveledroutes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he couldthink of. Eventually, he arrived at his house and he rang the doorbell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good for nothing bum!Where have you been? You escaped over 12 hours ago!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figuredthat his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though heknew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the blockand passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the cameraflashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove evenslower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time andwas now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at asnail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 7, 2013 Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 From the depths of the crypt of St.GilesCame a scream that echoed for miles.Said the vicar "Good gracious,I think Father IgnatiusHas forgotten the Bishop has piles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 9, 2013 Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that hehad called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trialhe asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with nofear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.Johnson." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted February 11, 2013 Report Share Posted February 11, 2013 Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted February 11, 2013 Report Share Posted February 11, 2013 Irene, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church'smorals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Severalmembers did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared herenough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, ofbeing an alcoholic after she saw his old blue pickup parked in front of thetown's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George, and severalothers, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turnedand walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny! He said nothing! Later that evening, George quietly parked his blue pickup in front ofIrene's house ... walked home ... and left it there ... all night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted February 12, 2013 Report Share Posted February 12, 2013 Good news... The homophobic pope ir resigning due to ill health. Bad news.. ATOS say he is fit to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fionajohn Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 you'll will have heard of the sayingnever ask a question you don't know the answer to this lawyer obviously hadn't n a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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