Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife

should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether

regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not

return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal

life."

 

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a

cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best

friend. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 

"You gave me the wrong key!"

[Malcolm]

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

 

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her

kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she

could see why.

 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want

to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

 

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong

feet."

 

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the

boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right

feet.

 

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why

didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to

help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

 

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots.

My Mom made me wear 'em."

 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the

grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He

said,

 

"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

 

Her trial starts next month.

[Malcolm]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a

desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a

night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a man for the job.

 

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

 

So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to

write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

 

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks

correctly?"

 

So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one (GS-9) to do the

studies and one (GS-11) to write the reports.

 

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

 

So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll

officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

 

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So

they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin.

Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary

(GS-08).

 

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and

we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

 

So they laid off the night watchman.

[Colin]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a

[HUGE SNIP]

So they laid off the night watchman.

[/HUGE SNIP]

 

Not funny.. That's the way that the SIC works...

[Malcolm]

A man has been hospitalized after doctors found six plastic horses up his backside.

 

Doctors described his condition as stable

[ArabiaTerra]

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.â€

 

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.â€

 

The rabbi continues, “…and look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, broken glass everywhere, but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely it is a sign. God wants us to drink this wine, give thanks, and celebrate our good fortune.†Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

 

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and offers the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?â€

 

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.â€

[Malcolm]

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a

nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a

patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with

horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can

fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns

would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of

cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns,

ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

[Malcolm]

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.

After two years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item

on the six o'clock news.

 

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled

routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could

think of.

 

Eventually, he arrived at his house and he rang the doorbell.

 

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good for nothing bum!

Where have you been? You escaped over 12 hours ago!"

[Malcolm]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured

that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he

knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block

and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera

flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even

slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and

was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a

snail's pace.

 

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat

belt.

[Malcolm]

From the depths of the crypt of St.Giles

Came a scream that echoed for miles.

Said the vicar "Good gracious,

I think Father Ignatius

Has forgotten the Bishop has piles.

[Malcolm]

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he

had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial

he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

 

The judge said that was true.

 

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.

 

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no

fear of legal action.

 

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.

Johnson."

[Malcolm]

Three women are standing in an elevator. They're all pregnant. One of them says, "You know, I read somewhere that you can tell the gender of the child by what position you conceived. We did it missionary, so I'm gonna have a boy."

The other one looks at her and says, "I was on top, so it must be a girl."

The two look at the third, a blonde, and wait for her reply.

She's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "Oh my God!! I'm having puppies!!!"

[Malcolm]

Irene, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several

members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her

enough to maintain their silence.

 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of

being an alcoholic after she saw his old blue pickup parked in front of the

town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George, and several

others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

 

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned

and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny! He said nothing!

 

Later that evening, George quietly parked his blue pickup in front of

Irene's house ... walked home ... and left it there ... all night!

[Malcolm]

Good news...

 

The homophobic pope ir resigning due to ill health.

 

Bad news..

 

ATOS say he is fit to work.

[fionajohn]

you'll will have heard of the saying

never ask a question you don't know the answer to

 

this lawyer obviously hadn't

 

n a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

 

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

 

The defense attorney nearly died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

 

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.