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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


Njugle
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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 months later...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama are both in the same barbers getting a haircut and shave at the same time, they speak not one word to each other.

"Would sir like some cologne?", the barber asks Trump after completing the shave.

"No thanks, my wife Melania would smell it and think I'd been to the brothel.", says the Donald, as the other barber asks the same.

"Yes, slap it on!", says Obama, "my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!"

Edited by BGDDisco
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A wife is in bed with her bit-on-the-side, and they hear some noise from down the stairs.

Wife: "Oh, that'll be my husband home."

Lover: "I better get out of here then!"

Wife: "Oh don't worry about him, he'll be blind drunk as usual, just hide under the quilt until he falls asleep, then sneak out."

Lover: "Might have to do that, I hear him stumbling up the stairs, I have no escape route"

The husband enters the bedroom, strips off and falls into bed, pulling the quilt up around him.

Husband: "Hey missus, why can I see six feet poking out from under the quilt?"

Wife: "You're seeing thing man! You're obviously drunk."

The husband gets up, walks round to the foot of the bed and says...

"Oh yeah, sure enough, only four feet! You're right!"

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A famous faith healer was doing miraculous deeds in Lerwick and a crowd was forming. The lame were walking, the blind were seeing; miracles left right an centre.

 

"I'm huvin some o that" thinks wee Tam fae Glesga.

"Oi!, big yin. Can ye dae sumthin aboot ma hearing".

 

"Certainly my son, step right up" says the man with the golden hands of healing.

 

He places his hand over Tams lugs, looks up to heaven and mumbles a prayer. Tam starts to shudder as the spirit (probably buckfast) courses through his body.

The preacher releases his hands suddenly and exhales a mighty breath, sweat beads running from his forehead.

"Well my son, has that made any difference to your hearing?"

 

Tam's shuddering eases and breathlessly he says......"I'll tell ye Wednesday big man, efter i've been up tae the court"

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So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

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  • 1 month later...

 

CAN ADMINS OF THIS FORUM DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

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WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

 

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