Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Heimdal]

A nurse walks into a bank.

 

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

and tries to write with it.

 

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and says,

 

"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........Some squeeky clean poop tube's got

my pen.

[Para Handy]

One day little Johnny goes to his father, and asks him if he can buy him a £150 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father says, ‘Johnny, we have an eighty thousand pound mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.

Christmas comes around, and Johnny asks again. The Father says, ‘well the mortgage is still extremely high, and I have had a bad year at work. Sorry, ask me again some other time. Two days later, the boy is seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father feels sorry for him, and asks him why he is leaving. And the boy says, ‘This morning I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mummy said that you should wait because she was coming too…. And I’ll be DAMNED if I’m getting stuck with an eighty thousand pound mortgage

[Para Handy]

20 Sayings Our Staff Would Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters

 

 

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

 

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos… Then you probably haven’t completely understood the dire seriousness of the situation.

 

3. Doing a job Right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job Wrong fourteen or fifteen times gives you job security.

 

4. Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

 

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

 

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity….probably has a scapegoat.

 

7. Plagiarism saves time.

 

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

 

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

 

10. Teamwork….means never having to take all the blame yourself.

 

11. The holidays will continue until morale improves.

 

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

 

13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

 

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.

 

15. Go the extra mile it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker

 

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

 

17. When the going gets tough, take coffee brake.

 

18. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

19. Succeed in spite of management.

 

20. Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

[Para Handy]

The required IQ Test Results To Become A Councillors

 

1. Save the Whales. Collect the whole set.

 

2. A day with out sunshine is like Night.

 

3. Ninety-five percent of councilers give the rest a bad name.

 

4. On the other hand…you have different fingers.

 

5. I wonder how much deeper the bridge would have to be set, if their wasn’t any sponges in the North mouth.

 

6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 

7. Nothing is to foolproof to a talented .Councillor

 

8. He who laughs last , thinks the slowest.

 

9. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed as our expenses clams.

 

11. No one is listening to the people who voted us in to office.

 

12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is Consultation.

 

13. Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your week.

 

14. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 

15. The sooner you fall behind the more time you have to fall asleep

 

16. Change is inevitable—except for cuts in your education expenditure

 

17. Two wrongs may not make a right but two Wright brothers made council aeroplanes.

 

18. The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

 

19. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

 

20. Remember to set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them

[Para Handy]

Dodgy female software

Warning to all computer users

 

I AM currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems.

I’ve been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won’t crash if you minimise Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can’t find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works ok.

 

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Karaokeware. Often trying to abort my Karaoke program with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

 

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0, He said I Probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token ring upgrade to run properly. He was right As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

 

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and a thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0, this time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked ok for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn’t completely uninstalled! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0. Both versions communicated with each other in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions.

 

The version I have now works pretty well, but like all versions, there are still some problems, The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less reprogram

And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented, A year a go, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0 which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancée 1.0 so he did.

Soon after that, he had to upgraded to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a hugh resource hog It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0.

Well it now turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex ( particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try )

 

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. In addition, although he did not ask for it Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-law 1.0. which has an automatic popup feature he can’t disable. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, then Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway, due to insufficient resources.

[Twerto]

I just wanted to let everyone know before you all become a victim!

 

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may have shopped at tesco superstores . Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

 

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another tesco superstore. You agree and they get in the back seat.

 

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen January 4th,9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

 

You have been warned.

[Seaflech]

Every Little Helps

[Sudden Stop]

Thought about posting this in the 'How to make a monkey out of a man' thread , but didn't and it's here instead. Let it serve as a warning to women that force their husbands to give up their free time to go to the supermarket...

 

 

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

 

Dear Mrs. Murray,

 

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

 

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

 

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

 

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

 

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

 

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

 

And; last, but not least:

 

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

 

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

Charles Brown

Store Manager

 

[RickB]

Hmm must keep those in mind.

[Twerto]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.

 

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

 

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

 

She said "no, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Malcolm]

Two blonde's walk into a building.

You would have thought that one of the would have seen iot !

[Twerto]

Scottish Put downs:

 

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

 

Shes got a face like a dug lickin pish aff a nettle.

 

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

 

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

 

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

 

everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

 

I wouldny do her with a rusty pole

 

mair chins than a chinese phone book

 

face like a melted welly

 

She smells like an alkies carpet

 

she has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

 

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

 

It's like shaggin the sleeve aff a wizards cloak!

 

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

 

fanny like a ripped out fireplace

 

face like a sand blasted tomato

 

ass like a bag a washing

 

Your face could get a job haunting houses

 

I wouldn't ride her if I had a bag of spare Dicks

 

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

 

she's seen more helmets than Hitler

 

The wheels turning but the hamsters died

 

she has been cocked more times than Davy Crocket's Musket

 

face like a stuntman's knee

 

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

 

Your ma's goat a dick and yer da's jealous

 

I bet he shaves his ermpits

[Malcolm]

Polish Divorce!

 

 

 

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.

 

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

 

"Have you any grounds?"

 

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

 

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 

"It made of concrete."

 

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"

 

"No, we have carport, and not need one."

 

"I mean. What are your relations like?"

 

"All my relations still in Poland ."

 

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

 

"Does your wife beat you up?"

 

"No, I always up before her."

 

"Is your wife a nagger?"

 

"No, she white."

 

"Why do you want this divorce?"

 

"She going to kill me."

 

"What makes you think that?"

 

"I got proof."

 

"What kind of proof?"

 

"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover""

[Para Handy]

Alien visitors to planet Earth are boycotting genetically modified (GM) crops, claims a leading scientist.

 

Buck Uranus, chief astronomer for the William H Carpenter Foundation in Nevada, believes the extraterrestrials are refusing to create crop circles in GM maize, wheat and other cereals because of fears of possible side-effects.

 

The scientist has conducted a major survey of crop circles created over the past five years and says he has not found a single example left in fields containing GM crops.

 

"In my spare time, I channel messages from alien beings," said Uranus, "and from what I've been hearing, these guys have got some serious reservations about what we're doing down here. One of them told me he's even thinking of using another planet for his artwork."

 

According to Uranus, one shape-shifting lizard said: "The long-term effects of these 'frankenstein crops' are just so uncertain. Let's face it, it's not natural. And after the rigours of crossing many light years of space in order to leave some pretty patterns in your fields, we'd rather not take that extra risk."

 

The visitors from outer space also have fears about contamination of plants on their own worlds, says Uranus. He claims that one Gray told him: "Just imagine — we accidentally pick up a few seeds on our undercarriage and take them home without knowing. They could spread like wildfire then and we'd end up paying Monsanto an annual fee just to grow flooble beans on our own planet. Madness."

[Malcolm]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping

the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by

hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from

copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the

head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a

small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact,

that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for

centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where

the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that

hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees

the old abbot.

 

 

The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He

sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "

R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying

uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,

father?"

 

 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEB R ATE!!!"