Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete andKC. When they start down, Cooter slips, falls off the tower, and diesinstantly. Pete says, "Well, somebody ort to go tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at thet sensitive stuff, I'll go." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you git that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife give it to me," KC replies. "You told that woman her husband got killed and she give you that beer?" "Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said, 'Youmust be Cooter's widow'." She said, "I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young womanin her short mini-skirt. Using the time-honored ice breaker, he sendsher a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a reallynice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get twohundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying mewith liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were sostraightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroythe place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 Mother, admonishing her young son for lying: "Son, if you keep onlying, a bad man with a tail and pitchfork will catch you and force youto work in a fiery hole for 50 years. You won't tell another lie, now,will you?" Boy: "No, mom. You tell them better than I do." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 One day the Mexican maid announced to her boss's wife that she wasquitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way." The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was. The maid replied, "Your husband and your son." This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation. "Well," the maid explained, "I go to the library to clean it and youhusband say, 'You are in the way' I go to the living room to clean andyou son say 'You are in my way' So I'm in the family way and I quit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart withher two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way throughthe entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nicechildren you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain'ttwins. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why thehell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they lookalike?" "No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 "Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded ananxious-looking man. "Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge. "You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours fora post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him beforehe leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him." "Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jurywho can lie like that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's) MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTNOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTSPLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she openedthe door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He hadno arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said."Just look at you .. You have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" She snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang thedoorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is Saturday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marooned in Maywick Posted May 15, 2007 Report Share Posted May 15, 2007 A Duck Walks into a Bar....... A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the ***** would they want with a plasterer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomblands Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan. He approaches the kiosk staffed by Patricia Whack. "I'd like a loan please" said the frog. "Certainly" says Ms Whack, "what have you got to secure it against?" "This" said the frog producing a small toy from a christmas cracker. "What?" said Ms Whack, "you can't secure a loan against this!" "Of course I can, don't you know who I am? I'm Mick Jagger's son! Let me speak to the manager!" demanded the frog. Ms Whack stood up and walked to her managers office. "There is a frog out front who claims to be Mick Jagger's son, and he is trying to secure a loan against this" she said, holding out the small toy, "I mean, what is this?" The bank manager sighed..."It's a nick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation thatwill pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up andproclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillacevery year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport theirchildren!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary andalso establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of allhis children!" More sighs and loud applause. Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbistays, I vill give him sex!" Total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you tosay that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side toside while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband hownice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could doto help. He said, "F*** the Rabbi..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the PearlyGates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets startedwhen BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. Herushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St.Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, noone's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide andwatch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, alittle old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringingthe bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do youkeep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keepresuscitating me," he replies. 40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in. He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in. A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!" God replied, "What, the Pikeys"? "No, the Bloody gates"!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 18, 2007 Report Share Posted May 18, 2007 There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, theother would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They workedfuriously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand whatthey were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effortyou are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a holeand your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eeishh, normally we're athree-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is off sick today!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 MI5 and MI6 Combined Intelligence Report Classified *** Most Urgent *** Be On The Lookout ! We recently received Credible Intelligence that there have been sevenTerrorists working Scottish Parliament. ! ! ! Six of the seven have been Apprehended. Has Bin Sleepin. ConservativeHas Bin Loafin. UKIPHas Bin Goofin. BNPHas Bin lunchin. Liberal Democ - RatsHas Bin Butt Kissin. Green PartyHas Bin Bunch of W*****s. SNP Have all been taken into custody. At this time, No one Fitting the description of the Seventh cell member Has Bin Working. Independent Has been found You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time, So keep on doing what You Bin Doin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon,everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep", was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope" More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 21, 2007 Report Share Posted May 21, 2007 On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal caraccident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gateswaiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married inHeaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "Idon't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go findout," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer ...... for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to getmarried in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspectof it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stucktogether FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhatbedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married inHeaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thingsdon't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find apriest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find alawyer?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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