Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and

KC. When they start down, Cooter slips, falls off the tower, and dies

instantly.

 

Pete says, "Well, somebody ort to go tell his wife."

 

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at thet sensitive stuff, I'll go."

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

Pete says, "Where did you git that beer, KC?"

 

"Cooter's wife give it to me," KC replies.

 

"You told that woman her husband got killed and she give you that beer?"

 

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said, 'You

must be Cooter's widow'."

 

She said, "I'm not a widow."

 

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

[Malcolm]

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman

in her short mini-skirt. Using the time-honored ice breaker, he sends

her a drink.

 

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.

They strike up a wonderful conversation.

 

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really

nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two

hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out of me by plying me

with liquor."

 

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so

straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,

scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy

the place."

 

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks.

 

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.

[Malcolm]

Mother, admonishing her young son for lying: "Son, if you keep on

lying, a bad man with a tail and pitchfork will catch you and force you

to work in a fiery hole for 50 years. You won't tell another lie, now,

will you?"

 

Boy: "No, mom. You tell them better than I do."

[Malcolm]

One day the Mexican maid announced to her boss's wife that she was

quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the family way."

 

The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.

 

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

 

This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation.

 

"Well," the maid explained, "I go to the library to clean it and you

husband say, 'You are in the way' I go to the living room to clean and

you son say 'You are in my way' So I'm in the family way and I quit."

[Malcolm]

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with

her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through

the entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart...Nice

children you've got there - are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell, no they ain't

twins. The oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why the

hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look

alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[Malcolm]

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an

anxious-looking man.

 

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

 

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for

a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before

he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

 

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury

who can lie like that."

[Malcolm]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's) MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST

NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS

PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened

the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had

no arms or legs.

 

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said.

"Just look at you .. You have no legs!"

 

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

 

"You don't have any arms either!" She snorted.

 

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the

doorbell, didn't I?"

 

The wedding is Saturday.

[Marooned in Maywick]

A Duck Walks into a Bar.......

 

 

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

 

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

 

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

 

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

 

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

 

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

 

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

 

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

 

"At the circus", says the barman.

 

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

 

"That's right", replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

 

"Yes" says the barman

 

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

 

"Yeah" the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

 

"Of Course" the barman replies.

 

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck looks confused.

 

"What the ***** would they want with a plasterer?

[Tomblands]

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan. He approaches the kiosk staffed by Patricia Whack.

 

"I'd like a loan please" said the frog.

 

"Certainly" says Ms Whack, "what have you got to secure it against?"

 

"This" said the frog producing a small toy from a christmas cracker.

 

"What?" said Ms Whack, "you can't secure a loan against this!"

 

"Of course I can, don't you know who I am? I'm Mick Jagger's son! Let me speak to the manager!" demanded the frog. Ms Whack stood up and walked to her managers office.

 

"There is a frog out front who claims to be Mick Jagger's son, and he is trying to secure a loan against this" she said, holding out the small toy, "I mean, what is this?"

 

The bank manager sighed..."It's a nick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone".

[Malcolm]

The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that

will pay him more.

 

There is a hush within the congregation.

 

No one wants him to leave.

 

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and

proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac

every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their

children!"

 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

 

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says,

"If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and

also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all

his children!"

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi

stays, I vill give him sex!"

 

Total silence.

 

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to

say that?"

 

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his

forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband how

nice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could do

to help.

 

He said, "F*** the Rabbi..."

[Malcolm]

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly

Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started

when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's

there.

 

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He

rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St.

Peter goes back to work.

 

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no

one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and

watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a

little old man walks up and rings the bell.

 

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing

the bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do you

keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keep

resuscitating me," he replies.

 

 

 

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven.

 

They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in. He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them.

 

He only had room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

 

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!"

 

God replied, "What, the Pikeys"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No, the Bloody gates"!!!!

[Malcolm]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the

other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked

furiously all day

 

without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort

you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole

and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eeishh, normally we're a

three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is off sick today!"

[Para Handy]

MI5 and MI6 Combined Intelligence Report

Classified

 

*** Most Urgent ***

Be On The Lookout !

 

We recently received Credible Intelligence that there have been seven

Terrorists working Scottish Parliament. ! ! ! Six of the seven have been Apprehended.

 

Has Bin Sleepin. Conservative

Has Bin Loafin. UKIP

Has Bin Goofin. BNP

Has Bin lunchin. Liberal Democ - Rats

Has Bin Butt Kissin. Green Party

Has Bin Bunch of W*****s. SNP

 

Have all been taken into custody.

 

At this time, No one Fitting the description of the Seventh cell member

 

Has Bin Working. Independent

 

Has been found

 

 

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time, So keep on doing what

 

You Bin Doin

[Malcolm]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon,everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't."

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"

"Don't doubt it for a minute."

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"

"Yep", was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.

"Nope"

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."

[Malcolm]

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car

accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates

waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in

Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I

don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find

out," and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited for an answer ...... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get

married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect

of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck

together FOREVER?"

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in

Heaven."

 

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things

don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a

priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a

lawyer?"