Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this

congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This

is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I

am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I

want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and

this Christian family."

 

No one moved.

 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this

is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you

will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop

traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice

quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible

misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[Malcolm]

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his

lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up

to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and

motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

 

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared

at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and

lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be

with him during his final moments. They were also

puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he

particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked,

"Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

 

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died

between two thieves, and that's how I want to go!"

[Malcolm]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, " Do you realize what time it is? Where have you been?", and on and on.

 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

 

While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

 

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

[Malcolm]

ODE TO ENGLISH RUGBY

 

"As sent to me by a friend from Southampton"

 

Ye cam up here tae paradise, tae beat us at your game, Aw wind and piss

and full o' turd, Yer aw the bloody same, Ye ca yersels the champions,

the nations most elite, Scotland are the champions, Yuv just been

f----- beat.

 

A game that wis invented, fur English gentlemen, No Highland Jocks wi

tartan frocks, well bliddy think again, A ba that's shapit like an egg,

its just a stupit farse, A suppose it makes it easier, tae ram right up

your ass.

 

 

So git back hame an lick yer wounds, yie a bunch o stupit fools, It's

time fur you tae cheat again, change the f----- rules, Rugby, fitba,

cricket tae, yir just a shower o chancers, Stick tae whit ye dae the

best, you morris f----- dancers

[Fjool]

The sharing of marriage...

 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady - who had yet to eat a single bite of food - and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

 

She answered, "The teeth."

[Fjool]

Seems to be a day for people sending me jokes about old people for some reason:

 

 

An elderly couple goes to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

 

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Hilton charges $139. The Holiday Inn charges $98.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my Health Insurance!"

[Malcolm]

This one is for everyone who...

 

>a) Had kids

> Has kids

>c) Is going to have kids

>d) Knows a kid

>e) Was a kid

 

A friend was packing for a business trip and His three year old daughter

was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she

said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

Trying to keep her entertained, He reached out and stuck her tiny

fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"

pretending to eat them.

 

He went back to packing, looked up again and His daughter was

standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated

look on her face.

 

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"

 

She replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down ;0)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daddy, "What happened to my bogie ???"

[Malcolm]

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and he

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

 

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," sighed the husband, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since."

 

"Oh, my!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

[Malcolm]

A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told

her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be

putting something in her mouth, as she stepped out of the cab. Figuring

that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman asked,

"Did I just see you swallow something?"

 

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

 

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

 

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was going to get sc*****"

[Malcolm]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and

emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the

bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the

back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer

so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

 

"Hello", he says.

 

"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

 

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

 

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood him, the binman smiles

and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

 

"I dust bin on toilet, I toll you" says the Japanese man.

 

"Mate" says the dustman "You're misunderstanding me... where's ya Wheely Bin?"

 

"OK OK", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a w***."

[Malcolm]

Moshe Kohen opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the

window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of

obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier

quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that

he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the

sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said

than done.

 

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full

lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this

time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food

and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same

evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his

friends do

come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a

large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the

next day Moshe puts a new sign

in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."

[Malcolm]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their Religion.

 

The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true

story.

 

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

 

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he

has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in

the United States.

 

If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice for Dell.

[Malcolm]

An old Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

 

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

 

A Bible

 

A silver dollar

 

A bottle of whisky

 

A Playboy magazine

 

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be! And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

 

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher cried in disgust, "he's gonna be a Politician."

[Malcolm]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous

Redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since

he

Sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its

socket towards the man.

 

 

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

 

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in

place.

 

 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

 

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to

The theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come

To her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

 

 

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !

 

 

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice

to every guy you meet? "

 

 

"No, " she replies. .. . . . "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it.

 

 

 

It's coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?..........here it comes

 

 

 

 

 

 

ready ?

 

 

She says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Colin]

I have been told that , apparently, some highlly paid consultant came up with this one.

 

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

 

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Finance Department.

 

b. If they are recounting them, Finance Department again.

 

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Construction.

 

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

 

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Marine Operations.

 

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Administration.

 

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

 

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Personnell.

 

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, and are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Research and Development.

 

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Housing.

 

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Infrastructure Services.

 

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Management.

 

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, Don't hire them, Elect Them!!.