Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Man in the pub tells his mates about joining the Army and having to do his first parachute jump...

 

"We were up at about 3,000 feet and one by one all the other guys were juming out. It came to my turn and I just couldn't jump. I was terrified", he told his mates.

 

"Then this big sergeant pulled out this 12" c*** and said "Right, if you don't jump out now, I'm going to stick all 12" of this c*** right up your ass".

 

"So, did you jump?" asked his mates.

 

"Just a bit, when he first shoved it in"

[Malcolm]

Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop for a talking centipede at £5000 - he decides to buy it and takes it home in a small box...

After 30 minutes at home he opens the box and asks the centipede if he would like to go for a pint.

The centipede doesnt answer, raising his voice he repeats the question - still no reply...... Getting angry and thinking he's been done he shouts the questions at the centipede who sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my f*ckin shoes on!!!"

[Malcolm]

Two old ladies sitting in a cafe.... Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?".... Ethel said "Yeah, I did, but I made it look like an asthma attack"...

[Malcolm]

driving home from work the other day and when another car smashes into the back of me

 

 

I stop and get out to look at the damage

 

 

The other driver gets out and I see that he only about 3 feet tall .... a dwarf

 

 

he also looks at the damage to both our cars ..... he looks at me and says "I'm not happy"

 

 

I look back and reply

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"so which one are you then"

[Malcolm]

9 Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

 

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

 

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

 

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my trousers."

 

4. You want to see if it's like the dream.

 

5. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

 

6. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

 

7. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

 

8. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

 

9. No one steals your chair.

[KOYAANISQATSI]

Dont make fun of retarded dwarfs.

 

 

 

 

It isn't big and it isn't clever.

[Malcolm]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

 

He looked up and said "perhaps circumcision wasn't a good place to start"

[Malcolm]

Two priests were chatting philosophically. "Do you think the Pope will

ever allow priests to marry?" said one. "Not in our lifetime," said the

other, "but maybe in our children's."

[Malcolm]

Murphy was on his death bed and he knew the end was drawing near so he

sent for the priest. "Father," he said, "I want to renounce the Catholic

faith and become a Protestant." "Have you taken leave of your senses my

son?" asked the Priest, "No Father, it's just that if someone has to

die, isn't it better that it should be one of them b****** rather than

one of us!"

[Malcolm]

Hitler was depressed and consulted his clairvoyant about his future.

The mystic studied her crystal ball for some time without a word, for

the prospects were grim. Finally, she said: " At least you will die on

a Jewish holiday." "Which Jewish holiday?" He asked. "No matter," she

said, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!"

[scrutineer]

global politics

 

SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

 

 

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

 

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

 

NAZISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

 

 

BUREAUCRACY:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

 

 

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

 

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

 

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

 

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

 

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION:

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the turd out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy...

 

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

 

WELSH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

 

 

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you naff all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred...

[scrutineer]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah

 

 

 

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me"

 

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

 

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

 

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

 

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

 

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

 

 

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

 

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

 

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

 

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team .

 

The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

 

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

 

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the World?"

 

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.

[scrutineer]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was

take

off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to

put

them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that

she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this

family

and I always will.

"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after

the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave

them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't

possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this

relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I

can't

possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never

will."

[sailor]

what's black and white and brown around the mouth......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a nun eating a turd!

[Malcolm]

Fart Glossary

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

 

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

 

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your ass.

 

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

 

BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

 

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

 

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

 

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

 

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

 

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

 

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

 

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

 

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

 

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

 

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

 

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".