Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

 

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

 

"Yes, I did."

 

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

 

"I got fired."

 

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh...he got fired too."

[humptygrumpty]

What did the blonde owl say ?

"What What" !!

[Fjool]

A lady of unspecified hair-colour goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor! Everywhere hurts!"

 

The Doctor gives her a puzzled look and asks, "How do you mean 'everywhere'?".

 

So the lass touches her knee and says "Ow! It hurts!"

She touches her head and says "OW!"

She touches her chin and says "Owww!"

 

The doctor promptly says, "Ah. I see the problem.... You have a broken finger."

[Marjolein]

ha ha I get it, she's ginger!

[KOYAANISQATSI]

ha ha I get it, she's ginger!

 

Oh right! hee hee, now that is funny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No wait! what?, the owl or the broken finger girl. ?

[Malcolm]

JACOB AND REBECCA

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

 

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Jacob : "How about Viagra?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry..."

 

(* Wedding Present List)

[Malcolm]

http://tinyurl.com/ueg7d

[RickB]

I got a B+. although santa says my halo is a bit crooked.

 

I asked for a car, a helicopter and a year of work on full pay.

[Njugle]

I got an A+ and he says i could be an angel for the tree.

 

Jeez, read some of the favourite letters, mostly cute but a couple of heart-breakers. I'm sad now, it's all your fault Santa no mince pie for you this year.

[Malcolm]

Long John Silver was once asked by a small boy how he managed to stay so fit, even though he'd only one leg.

 

He said "Aaaah Gym lad!

[Malcolm]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at THE Co-op and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital last time, but that I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

The Co-op WON'T let me shop there anymore!!!

[Marjolein]

It's ok Malcolm you can always go to Somerfield.

[MuckleJoannie]

That reminds of the story my wife's late uncle told. He worked at the Shetland Marts (where Somerfield is now). A woman came in complaining that the mince she had got the previous day was no use. He examined the stuff she had brought back with her for a moment then said "du's gotten dog food by mistake". The lady replied in horror "my husband had some for his tea last night! Will it hurt him?" "Oh no" she was told "but watch out for him cocking his leg at lamp posts"

[Malcolm]

Never mind what is happening at the Northern Rock (soon to re-named NorthernRubble), look how Japan has been affected .

 

September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on theback of US Sub Prime collapse.

 

The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.

 

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,

 

Sumo Bank has gone belly up and

Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

 

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

 

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and

500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

 

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[humptygrumpty]

FFS Malcolm ! I wish I'd been there to hear that , funny as **ck !!