Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rotweiller. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dogs collar and twists it , breaking the dogs neck and killing it. While this is going on a Sun reporter is watching. He gets out his notepad and pen and rushes over. He starts writing "Manchester City fan save friends life". The boy interrupts, "I'm not a City fan" he says. The reporter crosses out City and writes "United". "I'm not a United fan either" says the boy. The reporter turns and asks "Well who do you support?" Liverpool" the boy replies. The reporter sighs heavily rips out the page and starts writing "Scouse git kills family pet..."

[Malcolm]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to The

bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll

take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry

pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to

the top of the Connor Pass.

 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and

says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of

the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way

to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his

head and says, "F**k dat. Dis is too dangerous

for me!"

 

THERE'S MORE...

 

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to

the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another

cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

 

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the

box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of

the cliff with the gun.

 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots

the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits

the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat either!"

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when

Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a

cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken

by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and

down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "F**k dat, lads. First dere was

Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parroshooting. ..and

now Sean and his hengliding!"

[Malcolm]

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said,

'Cross the river.

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said,

'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the

Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave

You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and Over the hill, into the

Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said

Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

[Para Handy]

Dear Carl,

 

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn, looking for a little something special for my wife, Toni. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.

 

WAY TOO COOL!!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

 

Awesome!!!

 

I have yet to explain to Toni that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

 

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, while my cat Gracie looking on intently, trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

 

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

 

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

 

SON-OF-A... that hurt like Hell!

 

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

Still in shock,

 

Earl

[Malcolm]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Malcolm]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You’ve e got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Malcolm]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[Malcolm]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her?'

?Because, she can still drive!'

[Malcolm]

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

[Malcolm]

Dan walks into his friend Steve's house and sees that Steve is

depressed.

 

"Steve, why are you so depressed?"

 

"Four weeks ago, my 97-year-old uncle died and left me $8,000."

"Three weeks ago, my 93-year-old Aunt dies and leaves us with

$234,000." "Two weeks ago, my second cousin dies at 102 and leaves us

with $2.3 million"

 

Dan replies, "Well, your relatives lived good, full lives and left you

a lot of money. Are you depressed over these deaths?"

 

Steve replies, "No, I am depressed that the phone has not rung this

week with any news from other relatives."

[Malcolm]

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched

ths small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he

found a sign which read:

"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

 

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit

tomorrow."

 

"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.

 

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer

protested.

 

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we

only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours

today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour

service."

[Malcolm]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,

"I am putting a box under the bed. You must

promise never to look in it." In all their 30

years of marriage Hillary never looked.

 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th

anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and

she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box

were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

 

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was

doubly curious as to why.

 

That evening they were out for a special dinner.

After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her

curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so

sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and

never looked into the box under our bed. However,

today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans

in the box?"

 

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after

all these years you deserve to know the truth.

Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty

beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself

not to do it again."

 

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer,

Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and

saddened but temptation does happen and I guess

that 3 times is not that bad considering the

years."

 

They hugged and made their peace.

 

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why

do you have all that money in the box?"

 

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up

with empty cans, I took them to the recycling

center and redeemed them for cash!

[Malcolm]

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask

first and correctly can leave early today. Little Johnny says to

himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever - that answer's

mine!"

 

The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago?

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln,"

The teacher said, "That's right, Susie, you can go."

 

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

 

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could

open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said,

"That's right, Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

 

The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for

you? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".

teacher said, "That's right, Nancy, you can go."

 

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

 

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut." The shocked teacher asked,

"Who said that?"

 

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton, see you Monday!"

[Malcolm]

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet

at the headstone and gets up to leave. All of a sudden, he notices

another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves, and it

was breaking his heart.

 

 

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the man wail, "Oh why? Why

did you have to die?? Why did you go?" The man breaks down sobbing

again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying, "Oh why did

you die!? Why did you go so soon?"

 

Intrigued, the first man walks up to him and says, "I'm so sorry for

your loss, is there anything I can do for you?" "Who is the person

you are crying over so desperately," he asks, compassionately.

 

"That's my wife's third husband," comes the reply, between sobs. "I'm

number four..."

[Malcolm]

Sorry, Repeated previous joke :0(