Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Malcolm]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of

me life between the legs of me wife!'

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast

of the night.'

 

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

 

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife.'

 

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

 

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

 

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the

other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

 

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,

and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Malcolm]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

 

I walked into the Lerwick Building Centre yesterday lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a blue boilersuit asked me if I wanted decking.

 

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and laid him right out .

 

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky!!

 

Pass this warning on....

 

[Malcolm]

2 women called at my dor last night and asked what kind of bread i ate.When i said white, they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 mins......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were.......... The HOVIS WITNESSES.

[sassermaet]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

 

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

 

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[mr_brain]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

 

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

 

The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a

 

storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?'

 

 

 

 

 

The woman did not hesitate.

 

She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this

 

map? I want these countries to stop fighting with

 

each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews

 

and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about

 

world peace and harmony.'

 

 

 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady,

 

please be reasonable. These countries have been at war

 

for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a

 

bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't

 

think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

 

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've

 

never been able to find the right man. You know -

 

one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and

 

help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and

 

gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all

 

the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'

 

 

 

 

 

The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the f~#£ing map

 

again.'

[Malcolm]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

 

 

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

 

 

 

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

 

 

 

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.

 

'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

 

 

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

 

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

 

 

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

 

 

 

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

 

 

 

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

 

 

 

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

 

 

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

 

 

 

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

[Twerto]

Why are there no casinos in china.

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because they hate tibet

[MaxFusion]

A man went to see his doctor.

 

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

 

The man asked, "Why?"

 

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

 

Make me one with everything.

[Malcolm]

50.000 Ozzies meet at Ballymore Park for a "Ozzies Are Not Stupid"

Convention.

John Howard says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that

Ozzies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer." George Gregan gingerly

works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.Little Johnny asks

him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds George says,

"Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000

Ozzies start cheering, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER

CHANCE!" Little Johnny says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting

50,000 of you in one place and we have the world wide press and global

broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance." So he

asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Johnny is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -

everyone is disheartened - George starts crying and the 50,000 Ozzies

begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

John, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,

eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance.....What is 2 plus 2?"

 

George closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,

"Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000

Ozzies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and

scream....

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Para Handy]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Malcolm]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

The North Sea

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

 

Any Questions ???

NO? I didn't think so!!

[Ghostrider]

^^^ Sums it up perfectly, doesn't it!?!?

[Ross]

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it on their trolley.

 

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

 

"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!" he explains.

 

"Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on shopping...

 

A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it on their trolley.

 

"What d'you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.

 

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

 

 

"So do twelve cans of Stella and they're half the price!!"

[Malcolm]

Doctors vs Gunowners - a little statistical perspective.

 

Doctors

 

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

( Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

© Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

 

Gun Owners

 

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80

million)

( The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

 

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous

than gun owners.

 

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

 

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

[Suzanna]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

 

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

 

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

 

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

 

"Yes," answers the girl.

 

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

 

The little girl looks horrified, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

 

wait for it

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"And Tigger?"