Guest Anonymous Posted May 8, 2009 Report Share Posted May 8, 2009 Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?". The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trow87 Posted May 8, 2009 Report Share Posted May 8, 2009 My new sat-nav isna workin. I typed in Chelsea, an it cam up as bein only 2 minutes awa fae Rome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Six months ago Bill Clinton said " If Barak Obama is elected as President....pigs will fly " Obama has just celebrated 100 days as President........................................................................................................... Swine flu.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted May 13, 2009 Report Share Posted May 13, 2009 The Labour party the biggest joke around Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 17, 2009 Report Share Posted May 17, 2009 Notice seen in window of wine merchant in Notting Hill: 'No more than one Member of Parliament in this shop at any given time.-- The Management.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trow87 Posted May 18, 2009 Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 twa nuns ir in a car drivin back ta da convent when dey tak a wrang turn an end up goin doon a cobbled street. ee nun says ta da idder,"ooh, i'm nivver come dis wye afore." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 18, 2009 Report Share Posted May 18, 2009 If you receive an email warning about catching swine flu from tinned pork, please disregard immediatly as they have been found out to be ...... wait for it...... SPAM emails Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted May 20, 2009 Report Share Posted May 20, 2009 What’s the fastest game at a Al-Qaeda Christmas partyPassing the parcel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twerto Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 "Welcome to Liverpool's end of season party! Dress code: 70s and 80s style only!Free bar - terms and conditions apply - drinks available are bitter for the drinkers and bitter lemon for the designated drivers. NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES ALLOWED!Drinks will be served in glasses only - no cups are currently available.Starters - chicken (bin) dippersMain course - Red hot devil stewDessert - Humble PieRafa will provide the entertainment by doing his party trick of making £200 million disappear into thin air with pootle all to show for it. Closing song will be Freddie Mercury's Barcelona, their last hope for a bit of joy. http://timeaddedon.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/fergie-laughing-150x150.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fjool Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 ^ Can we not have the big gaps before the answers please? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 ^^^Job DoneNext Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marooned in Maywick Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 ^ Can we not have the big gaps before the answers please? I'm still waiting for the punchline... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until.A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die Why ??? OH, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddtablet Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Dear Mr. Darling, Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 20 million people over 50 years of age in the work force. Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed. 4) They MUST send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty/ tax etc It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 A Norwegian, Ole Oleson, came in to apply for a job. The boss didn't want to hire that #$%$ Norwegian, but didn't want to say so straight out because of Ole's reknown temper. So the boss thought & thought & came up with a solution. So the boss said to Ole: "I want to you write out the number 9 without using numbers." Ole thought & thought. Then he said: "Ah, I got dah answer!" He took a pencil & paper & drew 3 trees. The boss said: "Ole, what is THAT?!" Ole replied: "Well, tree & tree & tree is 9". The boss thought about this & said: "Well, O.k. then. Now give me the number 99 without using numbers." Ole said: "Dat's easy!" He wet the end of his finger & smudged a spot on each tree. The boss said: "Now what the heck is THAT?" Ole replied: "Vell, dat is easy! Dirty tree & dirty tree & dirty tree is 99!" The boss is getting worried now. He says: "O.k., Ole. Do the same thing again, but this time the number is 100." Ole thought & thought, then he said: "I got it!" Ole drew a little mark at the bottom of each tree. Now the boss looks at this & says: "Ole, what is this?!" Ole replies: " Vell, a little dog came along & pooped at the base of each tree. Now it is dirty tree & a turd, dirty tree & a turd & dirty tree & a turd, which makes 100!" "Now, boss, ven do I start da job?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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