Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[humptygrumpty]

Should read NUNS not NUMS !!! Big fingers !!!!

[sassermaet]

A few good jokes here, I'll start with one:

 

A woman decides she wants to be a nun so she goes to the convent and says to the Mother Superior: 'I want to be a nun'.

 

'Okay,' says the Mother Superior, 'you have to take a vow of silence - every five years, you are allowed to say two words. Choose them wisely.'

 

So the woman takes a five-year vow of silence. After the five years are up, the Mother Superior goes to her and asks her to say two words. The woman replies 'Hard bed'.

 

So she is given a softer mattress.

 

Another five years go by, and after these five years the Mother Superior asks the woman for two more words. She says 'Cold feet'. So they give her a hot water bottle.

 

Another five years go by, and so she has to say two more words. Her words this time are 'I quit'.

 

The Mother Superior says 'Good - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!'.

 

[sassermaet]

And more of them:

 

Best resignation letter ever:

 

Dear Mr X,

 

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

 

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you.........

 

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation.

 

However, I have a few parting thoughts.

 

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad reference. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

 

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the company.

 

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror n.de. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of reference. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the reference on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

 

 

Wishing you a grand and glorious day'.

 

One I got from 'Shetland Humour' by John J Graham:

 

Erty wis a Bressa man, an a simple wan at dat. When he guid awa tae ta fishin he wis awa fir twa years. When da men landed ashore dey wir giein a pile o letters. Erty got wan fae his wife but he wis misread it - is a result, a grin spread ower his faess an he declared proodly tae da rest o da crew 'Boys, I hae guid news - Willa is gjaan ta mak me a faedir!'

 

Da men fell aboot gaffin an wan o dem said 'Hit canna be dine, Erty - du's nivver been hame fir nearly twa years!'

 

'So?' said Erty. 'Dir tree year atween me an me bridder!'

 

Here are a few more that I can remember.

 

A man with a stammer decides he needs a job so he goes to get a job selling Bibles door-to-door. The boss only takes him on out of pity, not expecting him to do very well. But when he starts he is doing really well - he is selling more Bibles than any other employee. So the boss calls him up for a chat.

 

'Look', he says to him, 'You've only been with us a year now and you're selling about fifty Bibles a month. I've got people who've been working for me for years and they're lucky if they sell two Bibles a month. Now, tell me - how do you do it?'

 

The man with the stammer replies: 'W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-We-ell, I go up t-t-t-to the da-duh-da-duh-duh-door, kn-kn-knock and wh-wh-wh-when they open it up, I say 'W-W-W-W-Would you l-like to b-b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-B-B-Bible or w-w-w-w-would you like me t-t-t-t-to r-r-r-read it to you?'

 

I'll put up more when I can mind them.

[Malcolm]

Bill and Tom

 

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

 

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big

bench saw.

 

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the

local hospital.

 

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

 

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

 

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now

reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

 

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on

another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag

and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

 

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

 

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure

enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the

treadmill.

 

And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he

has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head

in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

 

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

 

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'

 

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him

in'

 

'No,' says the nurse,

'Some dopey sod put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated !

[KOYAANISQATSI]

2 fleas on a fanny, one's a burglar the other one's a junky, how do you know which is which.?

 

The one hiding in the bush is the burglar and the junky's sniffing the crack.

[Jerry_Dammers]

Met a game old bird in the pub tonight. She must have been in her late 50s. She asked me if I'd ever had a mother and daughter at the same time. I replied, "No". She took me back to hers.

 

Shat myself when we got in and she shouted, "Mum. Are you still awake?"

[Fjool]

(** mod edit - moved from another thread **)

 

Just thought I'd post a link to my website. I tell a joke everyday, and post on on my page. You can subscribe to it in iTunes, or whatever you use for podcasts, and you can watch them on your iPod (if you really want), or on your computer. It's been going for a while now and hopefully for a good while after.

 

Also, post any comments about the site or improvements in this thread and I'll see what I can do.

 

http://avideojokeaday.blogspot.com

 

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"

 

And the horse replies "I have AIDS."

 

----------

 

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"

 

because a total stranger punched him in face.

 

Yes its not very funny but it happens more often than you'd imagine.

 

* WARNING... sick joke ahead *

 

Apparently David Beckham was in charge of Alan Balls funeral.

 

Victoria said "It was no problem as David is a dead Ball specialist"

[Guest Anonymous]

When Johnie and Jessie retired they went on a holiday to America.

One day while at a rodeo they were watching the bucking bronco competition where a prize of $1000 was offered for any member of the public who could stay on the wild bronco for more than 10 seconds.

Johnie stood up and shouted, "I'll hae a go at yun". Jessie nearly made a mess of her underwear, but Johnie was determined to try, so he was kitted out, saddled up, and the bronco was let loose.

Ten seconds passed easily and with the bronco knackered, Johnie was awarded the prize money.

Returning to his seat, Jessie was amazed, and asked, "Boy I hoop du's ower weel eftir yun, bit whit wye did du manage yun?, du's never even been upo a pony i dy life???

Johnie replied, "Na Jessie I never hiv been upo a horse afore, bit does du mind da first year we were married?". "Yea", says Jessie, "Whit his dat ta do wi hit?".

"Weel", says Johnie, "I ower wintered i South Georgia at da whaling dat first year, awa fir 8 mont, an can du mind whit we did da meenit I cam hame?"

"Oh Yea", Jessie said, blushing, "We spanged atil da box bed da meenit du cam in da door, Why does du ask?"

"Weel Jessie. Do hed da whoopin cough, an I managed a damned sight langer dan 10 seconds dan".

 

Cheers,

Da Auld Een

[unclemuscles]

Why did chuck Norris fail chemistry?

 

Because he only recognises the element of surprise

[Guest Anonymous]

Johnie and Jessie were sitting on opposite sides of the fireplace reading. Johnie was engrossed in the Shetland Times, while Jessie perused the Christion Herald.

Suddenly Jessie got up, crossed to Johnie and hit him as hard as she could, then sat down.

"Whit ta hell wis yun fur?", yelled Johnie.

"Forty years o bad sex", says Jessie.

 

They went back to reading then after a few minutes Johnie grabbed the fire shovel from the side of the stove, went over to Jessie, and walloped her with all his might.

"Johnie, whit ta loard wis yun fur?", asked Jessie, as she came to her senses.

 

"Fur kenin da difference"!!

 

Cheers,

Da Auld Een

[Mcdilly-Willy]

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/3105/jackmcconnellfr6.th.jpg

 

(** Mod Edit - Thumbnailed and rehosted with ImageShack **)

 

Admin - Forum use guidelines[/url]"]Don't post very large images - it can take ages to load and affects the formatting of the web page. Remember, not every forum user will have the same connection speed you do, nor a 42" plasma screen to view huge images. (800X800, or thereabouts, is a good maximum guideline)

[Guest Anonymous]

^^^^^ Good One. I know he's a big joke, but did you have to make him that big.....

I only have a 14" screen..

[KOYAANISQATSI]

It's a trick, dont look into his eyes.

[unclemuscles]

[mod]MOD EDIT - removed offensive text[/mod]

[Malcolm]

This old spinster had two capuchin monkeys that she dearly loved. One

morning she came to their cage and found them both dead. She took them

to the taxidermist: "They're all the companions I had in this world. I'd

like you to work on them."

 

"Certainly, ma'am," said the taxidermist, "how would you like them mounted?"

 

The spinster blushed: "Oh, NO! Not **mounted**; they were brother and sister!"