Malcolm Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I wanteveryone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Billy says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us anyhomework." The teacher says, "Very good, Billy." Mary says, "The sky is very dark ... perhaps it's going to rain." Theteacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on Little Johnny in the back: "Johnny?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my mom was naked onthe couch, and screaming, 'God, I'm coming!' The postman was on top of herand perhaps he was trying to prevent her from floating to Heaven." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 Paul and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back toPaul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Little Johnny, Paul's brother, gets up and has hisbreakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom,"Are Paul and Mary are up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" Not really wanting to know what's in Little Johnny's filthy mind, his momreplies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!" Later that day, Little Johnny comes home for lunch and again asks his mom,"Are Paul and Mary up yet?" Again she replies, "No." Little Johnny again says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back toschool!" After school, Little Johnny comes home and once again asks, "Are Paul andMary up yet?" Once again, his mom answers, "No." Once again, he asks, "Do you know what I think?" Realizing there's no way she can get out of this, Little Johnny's momreluctantly agrees to hear Little Johnny out. "OK," she sighs. "Tell me what you think." Little Johnny explains, "I think that, last night, when Paul came to myroom for the Vaseline, that I accidentally gave him my airplane glueinstead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with eachother for quite a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it wasfinally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversationregarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, livingarrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject oftheir physical relationship. 'How do you feel about Sex?' he asked, rathertentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentlemansat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towardsher and whispered; 'Is that one word or two?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 There was some mix-up with a Mitzi's (a natural blonde) cabin. The cruiseship clerk was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, after a bit of thought, "Well, it looks like it might raintoday. I'd better get an inside cabin." =========================================================== Whilst nursing her baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Emily, cameinto the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she wasintrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, butI don't think she knows how to use them.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed aneternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start hisback swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking solong?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' His companion said, 'You don't have achance in hell of hitting her from here.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 A man and his fiancee met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremonypapers. While filling out the form, the man read aloud a few questions. Then he got to the last one which read, "Are you entering this marriage ofyour own free will?" He glanced over at this fiancee. She said, "Put down 'yes'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 11, 2010 Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrestedher and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a page of the names in it and told to check them out. After aweek, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief,but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-eight-year oldwoman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almostall your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 11, 2010 Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 "Hi Bitzi!"said Mitzi, brightly as she approached her friend one day."How's it going?" "Not so good." replied Bitzi, glumly. "Why?" asked Mitzi. "I failed my road test." responded Bitzi. "Wow!" said Mitzi. "What happened?" "I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30' so I drove 30 times around it." answered Bitzi."And they failed me! Can you believe it?!" Mitzi said, sympathetically, "You probably just counted wrong." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LandRover S2a Posted August 15, 2010 Report Share Posted August 15, 2010 How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? One to pose a question about changing light bulbs and later to post that the light bulb has been changed. One to offer a simple way to change the light bulb. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. One to move it to the Lighting section. Two to argue then move it to the Electrical section. Seven to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. Five to flame the spell checkers. Three to correct spelling/grammar flames. Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum. Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum. Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. Seven to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. Four to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. Three to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too." Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" One forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. and one to link to a Microsoft Knowledge Base article stating that light bulbs can no longer be changed since Microsoft have defined darkness to be the new standard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and holdhim for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnappedyou." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bagand put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, ABlonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag wassitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note thatsaid, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted September 6, 2010 Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little git. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spinner72 Posted September 6, 2010 Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 How many shetlinkers does it tak ta tar a driveway.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohanofNess Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 How many shetlinkers does it tak ta tar a driveway.... 3 One to over spec the materialsSecond to argue with the firstThird person to call a company to come and do it to a sensible specification Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted September 12, 2010 Report Share Posted September 12, 2010 Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.' 'I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.' 'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted September 12, 2010 Report Share Posted September 12, 2010 A man entered the bus with both of his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.