Fjool Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 No action taken that I'm aware of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Njugle Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 I'm looking at 7 from April alone on my screen, posted throughout the calendar month. If there were more I don't recall them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 There is a gap from Apr 26th to May 9th yet I have posted jokes in that period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Captain Jean-Luc Picard is sitting in his quarters, reading, when he hearsa knock. Upon opening the door, he sees Geordi LaForge, who is carrying asmall robotic device. "This is your new maintenance robot, Captain." says Geordi. "It'sprogrammed to execute a variety of everyday chores." "Why! That sounds exceedingly useful!" exclaimed Picard. "Why, onlyyesterday I was careless enough to rip the seam of my uniform when I bentover to retrieve my phaser. Am I to presume that this device might serve toreinstate the structural integrity about my gusset?" "Indeed, Captain. Would you like me to activate the robot's embroideryfunction?" "Yes, Mr. LaForge." said Jean-Luc. "Make it sew." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I've got a blind friend who likes cooking, so I thought I'd get him a cheese grater. A few days later I went to see him and he thanked me for the present. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read:-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011  WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baron Farkoff Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 ^^LMDO and the Jack Schitt one is still making us laugh! Brilliant! Thanks for all your jokes Malcolm! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 I phoned the boss this morning and said "I have a serious case of Anal-Blindness" She asked WTF is that? I said "Well I cant see my backside coming into work today!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Told my boss that I had alcohol constipation.I could not pass a pub. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 I have just deleted my Twitter account. I am not paranoid, but I think people were following me........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Boy Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 2 rats in a sewer - one says"I'm sick of this, s**t for breakfast s**t for for lunch, s**t for tea"The other says,"don't worry, we'll go on the p**s later on" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder! Your best yet Malcolm I need all of the above and then some. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was oncea handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss fromyou, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I amand then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle withmy mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear mychildren, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightlysauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, shechuckled and thought to herself: "I don't really think so." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Two rules for life: (1) Don't tell people everything you know. (2) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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