Malcolm Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 ¢¾ Before Marriage ¢¾ Boy: At last i can Hardly wait!Girl: Do you want me to leave?Boy: No don"t even think about it!Girl: Do you love me?Boy: Of course, always!Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?Boy: No, why are you asking?Girl: Will you kiss me?Boy: Every chance i getGirl: Will you slap me?Boy: Hell no, are you crazy?!Girl: Can I trust you?Boy: Yes!Girl: Darling!! ¢¾ After marriage Read It backwards!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Para Handy Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Dear Wife, ... I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you ... for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any-more; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owre-weel Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we....?' His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owre-weel Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues.. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... 'I would have been released today.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies.Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam.I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father..... which art in Heaven.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 An old guy was working out when he spotted a very sexy, young lady enteringthe gym. He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in hereshould I use to impress that gorgeous babe over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "For you, I'd recommend usingthe cash point in the lobby." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArabiaTerra Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 While struggling to free India from the British the great man and religious leader, Ghandi, walked in many marches, often without shoes. He also resorted to hunger fasts to protest their occupation, which damaged his health and even caused horrendous bad breath. On other words… Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegalato putta 5 people in a Quattro.""Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.."Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official."Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German saysunbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry5persons""You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer."Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and youarethereforea breaking tha law."The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisorover. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!""Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha2 guys in a Fiat Uno" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 I was devastated to find out my brothers wife was having an affair but, by turningto religion, We soon were able to come to terms with the whole thing. Weconverted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 Some git just pinched a pair of my neighbours panties off the washingline. She's not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothespegs back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Q. What's blue and white and flies through the trees? A. A fridge freezer with a denim jacket on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Q. What's the difference between an Apple and an Orange? A. Both of them are Apples, apart from the Orange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 How Irish dancing started. http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexicfriend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Winters are fierce in Unst, so the owner of a local business felt hewas doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman.One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. Infact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gaveyou?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then, someone offered me adrink and I didn't hear him!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.