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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give Pauly a shot of Novocain

. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.


The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and Pauly objects. "I can't

do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"


The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," Pauly says. "'I'm fine with pills."


The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."


Pauly says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"


"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to

hold on to when I pull your tooth."

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A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was

forced to make an emergency landing.


Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.


The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic

in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.


She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.


"No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle

and a McKay!

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A young lady had become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a

medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she

broke down and cried.


"I can't have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can do!"


The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an

idea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital for an appendix

operation when you give birth. We'll just give her your baby and tell her

it wasn't the appendix after all."


The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth

there were no women in for an appendix operation in the hospital, in fact

the only person who was, was an old priest. The doctor, desperately

realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as

well try anyway.


The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he

took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a

fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his



"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am not your

father." His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your

mother, the bishop is your father."

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The Lonely Widow


A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.


She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:











On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,


she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a


wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.



"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"


the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand

slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her

breasts, and then carries on down her side and legs.


He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner



He moves back towards the top and stops.


His wife opens her eyes and gasps, "Why did you stop?"


He replies, "Found the remote ... Go back to sleep!"

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1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.


2. Avoid arguments about leaving the toilet seat up, by using the sink.


3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. But, remember to always use a timer.


4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


5. If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough.


6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Guy goes to the council for a job. Interviewer asks 'Are you allergic to anything?' 'Yes, caffeine', 'Are you disabled in anyway?' 'Yes', he replies, 'I was in the army & a bomb exploded near me & blew my testicles off'. Interviewer - 'Ok ur hired. Hours are 8 til 3 but you can start at 10 everyday'.Guy asks 'why 10?' Interviewer- 'this is a council job, 1st 2 hours we stand drinking coffee & scratching our stoness so no point you coming in!'

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  • 2 weeks later...

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