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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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The top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival



1 Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."


2 Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."


3 Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."


4 Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."


5 Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."


6 Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."


7 Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."


8 Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."


9 Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."


10 Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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Wonder why I thought of the SIC when I saw this?


NASA Research Announces Discovery of a New Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by NASA Research physicists.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.


Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occured in less than one second.


Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.


Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.


It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.


Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.


Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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I’ve just got my nephew a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex-box I’ll never know.

Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.'Tiny', answers the Man.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.  'Because he's my newt' .

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loved this.
"With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had a few beers followed by a couple of vodka tonics. Although feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be significantly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it."

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 pm.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not
done, I'm still in my pajamas. What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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Donald MacLeod, from Lewis, broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour at an event in Glasgow on Wednesday night. Here are 10 of his 580 gags.


1. What do you put on your car when you are trying to drive on a beach in Harris? Luskentyres.


2. I just bought a new race horse but it will only run in the dark. It's a total nightmare.


3. How do you break up with a tractor? Write a John Deere letter.


4. What's the funniest underground station in Glasgow? Kelvin Bridges.


5. The hardest place in Ireland to keep a candle burning? Wicklow.


6. What do you call a man surrounded by beef stock? Stew.


7. What's the mathematician's favourite place in New York? Times Squared.


8. Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to iPads. I can give you a tablet for that.


9. Why was the lobster fired from his job? Kept pinching stuff.


10. Where's the best place in South Africa to get a Batman outfit? Cape Town.

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