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Alternative Xmas cracker jokes from the Guardian


Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
To give a family spanning three generations a simple punchline at which they all could groan and thereby enjoy a small and rare moment of communion.
Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? 
Because horses are rubbish at drawing.
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? 
You are so last season.
Which author steals train sets from under the Christmas tree? 
Nick Hornby.
I don’t like grasshoppers. 
They’re just not crickets.
How do Santa’s employees have to register their tax returns?
Elf assessment
Why do male pickup artists keep pulling crackers at Christmas? 
Because they can’t pull any women, the idiots!
What’s a dog’s favourite carol? 
Bark, the herald angels sing.
What’s a mathematician’s favourite Christmas snack? 
A mince pi.
Who wraps the little bits of bacon around the tiny sausages?
It’s the pigs trying to put themselves back together again.
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  • 4 weeks later...

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother and asked her the same question. She told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."

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  • 4 months later...

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

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  • 2 months later...

The top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe this year


    "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

    "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ass ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

    "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

    "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

    "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

    "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

    "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

    "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

    "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

    "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

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  • 1 year later...
  • 9 months later...

The 10 best jokes from the Edinburgh fringe


Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.


Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.


I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.


Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.


In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.


The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in.


How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.


If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.


Actually only 9 as one is probably not suitable for this site.

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  • 6 months later...

17 of Ken Dodd's  funniest one-liners


1. "My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

2. "I love my girlfriend, my girlfriend loves me. She loves my hair, she loves my eyes, she loves my teeth. She loves my teeth because I'm the only person that can peel an orange through a tennis racket."

3. "I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

4. "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"

5. "The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

6. On his famous tax fraud trial: "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."

7. On his marathon live shows: "You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox."

8. "Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

9. "I'm a sex symbol - I am a sex symbol for women who don't care."

10. "I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid."

11. "I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning - I had my braces caught in the banister."

12. At the Royal Variety Performance: "This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme. That's French for evaporated milk."

13. On approaching his 80th birthday: "Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."

14. "Did any of us in our wildest dreams ever think we'd live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale?"

15. "I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go."

16. "Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."

17. "So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."

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Phoned to renew my car insurance they other day just as I was about to hang up after completing the deal the lady asked if i had any pets to insure.


I replied that I had two dogs and a cat but none of them could drive the car.

Edited by Urabug
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