Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[ThePMx]

Can she message me pls

CAN ADMINS OF THIS FORUM DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

 

[George.]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[BGDDisco]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

 

None.

 

 

 

{too soon?}

[BGDDisco]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

 

Had to work it out with a pencil.

[George.]

Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?

 

 

 

He couldn't budget......

[tarrymittens]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

 

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

 

Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

 

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

 

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

 

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[BGDDisco]

Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?

Because it is cheaper

[George.]

[Colin]

SNP election promises ?

[George.]

The ‘Clauses’

 

Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.

His wife is a relative Clause.

His children are dependent Clauses.

Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.

Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

[George.]

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

[Claadehol]

Irishman taking a driving test. 

 

What does a single yellow line mean?

No parking at all.

 

What does a double yellow line mean?

No parking at all, at all.

[George.]

[Claadehol]

One for the women!

 

Middle-aged couple sitting in the lounge and he keeps flicking the channel over from the fishing channel to the porn channel, from the porn channel to the fishing channel, from the fishing channel to the porn channel, 

[Claadehol]

Joke continued:   from the porn channel to the fishing channel, and it's driving her round the bend. She eventually says: " For Christ's sake leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish!"