Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[humptygrumpty]

LOL @ Colin !!!!!

[humptygrumpty]

A farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig I have to ***K when you're not up for sex. Wife replies " I think you'll find that thats a sheep " Farmer retorts " I think YOU'LL find I was talking to the sheep !!!!

[KOYAANISQATSI]

^^^^^^^^

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/6480/laughterna2.jpg

[tlady]

^^ ^^

 

Add a couple o fangs and we wouldn't know the difference

[simple34]

What do whalsa folk and yeast have in common?

 

They are both inbred. (sorry whalsa, couldnt resist )

[humptygrumpty]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[humptygrumpty]

Lawyer Joke

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" LOL

[Medziotojas]

A Penguin Joke!

 

One day a man and his wife were walking down the street when they came across a penguin.

 

'Oh!' exclaimed the man. 'What a surprise! What shall we do with it?'

'I know,' said his wife. 'We'll ask a policeman.'

So they found a policeman and explained what had happened.

'Mmm,' said the policeman, 'I think the best thing is to take it to the zoo.'

'What a good idea!' said the woman. 'We'll go there straight away.'

 

The next morning the policeman was walking down the same street when he saw the couple again with the penguin. 'I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo,' the policeman said.

'Well, we did,' said the man. 'We took it to the zoo and we all had a really good time. So this afternoon we're taking it to the cinema, and this evening we're going to have a meal in a fish restaurant.'

[humptygrumpty]

Parachute for sale , used once , never opened , small stain.

[Malcolm]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

 

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he

whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all

through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my

side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health

started failing, you were

still by my side... You know what?"

 

 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

warmth.

 

 

"I think you're bad luck. Now, will you get the f*** away from me?"

[Malcolm]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

 

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

 

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

 

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

 

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

 

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

 

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

 

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

 

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

 

"Never!" replies Dave.

 

"Well just relax and let it happen"

 

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Dave, wake up you drunken b*****d, you've shat the bed.

[Roxy71]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I

would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time

choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly

replies, "Fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches?" asks the salesman. "That sounds very small. What room

are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they

are for her computer monitor.

 

The surprised salesman replies, "But, miss, computers do not need

curtains!"

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The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got windoooooows!"

[Malcolm]

Bin Laden gets captured and appears in front of Dubya Bush, who says:

 

"Here, throw this dice, and if you get any number between 1 and 5, I'll shoot you"

 

Bin Laden: "What if I throw a six?"

 

Dubya: "You get another go"

[Malcolm]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

 

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that Would fix the problem but it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in The world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear Is going to help me."

 

Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Newcastle , parts of Hartlepool and anywhere on the Isle of Wight.

 

 

[Spinner72]

Haha I havna heard dat ane fur years!