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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


Njugle
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Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

 

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

 

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

 

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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Produce Boy

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head.

 

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

 

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."

 

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

 

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

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The Queen, The Pope

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being figureheads and all.

 

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" he doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

 

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

 

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so... "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

 

So the Pope slapped her.

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710

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

 

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

 

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

 

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

 

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

 

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

 

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

 

(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

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Not a joke but it made me laugh !

 

 

 

Sweet Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 11th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast.

 

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.

 

Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date other people. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mail trying to win back her love.

 

She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

 

Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was angry. So he wrote on the back of the photo the following; "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

 

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

 

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

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THE IRISHMAN AND THE DOCTOR

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So

the

doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he

says,

"there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty

out

of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well

fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor

pulls

out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and

 

another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, ank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The

Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ah, dat'd be roit I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

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Dog and Cat diary

 

 

The Dog's Diary

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

 

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

 

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

 

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

 

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

 

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

 

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

 

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing!

 

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

 

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

 

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

 

 

 

The Cat's Diary

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling

objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and

I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt

for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in

order to keep up my strength.

 

 

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending

comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. boobalubes!

 

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I

was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of

my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try

this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

 

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and

snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly

released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously

retarded.

 

 

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the

guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My

captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so

he is safe. For now.....

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After

careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it

safely to his van.

 

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an

obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the

paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

(If you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on here.)

 

I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

 

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

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