Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[sheepshagger]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a

chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I

thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a

talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take

it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister.

"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You

must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,

Mother a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely

that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,

"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball

popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across

her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You missed the lumpsooker putt, didn't you?"

[sheepshagger]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

 

 

 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

 

 

 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No. I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

 

 

 

The milkman asked, "OK - 25 gallons it is. Do you want it pasteurized?"

 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my face".

[sheepshagger]

Updated European Terror Alerts

 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent kidnapping of

Navy personnel and terrorist threats from Iran, and have raised their

security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels

may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners

have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies

all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from

"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and

Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish

navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[sheepshagger]

An dis'll be da last een da nite

 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length

looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,

middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under

that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Fjool]

Herbert A. Millington

Chair - Search Committee

412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University

College Hill, MA 34109

 

Dear Professor Millington,

 

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I

regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me

an assistant professor position in your department.

 

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually

large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field

of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

 

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in

rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at

this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor

in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

 

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

 

Sincerely,

Chris L. Jensen

[humptygrumpty]

Good een Fjool.

[Malcolm]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar, watching the entrance to the brothel across the street. A Baptist minister went in, and one of the Irishmen said: "Ah, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then a rabbi went in, and the Irishman shook his head sadly and remarked: " 'Tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." A few minutes later, a Catholic priest went in. "Ah, what a terrible shame," said the Irishman. "One of the girls must be very ill."

[Para Handy]

Sex On The Sabbath

 

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks, " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister, an experienced married man, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply, "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority - a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: A Rabbi.

 

The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it

[Para Handy]

Castro's Army

 

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his

business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man

goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves

him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.

 

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

 

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

 

The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

 

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks

in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The

bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts

walking out the door.

 

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

 

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

 

The bartender says, "Alright then." And the man leaves.

 

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders

a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the

door.

 

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

 

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

 

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

 

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and

says, "Secret Service."

[Para Handy]

apple computer

 

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

 

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Para Handy]

A Mouse n Cat

 

A mouse and cat both die at the same time and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate and he says welcome, you all will love it here, please enter the kingdom. They are both happy and content! One day the mouse finds a pair of skates and puts them on skating all over heaven and says wow heaven is great, I can get around well now in heaven and have fun. St. Peter sees the mouse and says are you having fun and the mouse says more than you would ever imagine. Later in the day he sees the cat and asks how it is going and the cat said St. Peter better than ever since I have discovered that there is "meals on wheels" here!

[Para Handy]

Careful with Grandma

 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . . it makes your nose look too short.

Love, Grandma

[Para Handy]

Worlds Thinnest Book Collection

 

Worlds Thinnest Book Collection

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES

 

by Jacques Chirac

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

 

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

 

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

 

by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

 

 

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

 

by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George

 

 

 

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

 

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

 

 

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

 

by Hillary Clinton

 

 

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

 

By Bill CLinton

 

 

 

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

by Osama Bin Laden

 

 

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

 

by Bill Gates

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

 

by Dennis Rodman

 

 

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

 

by Al Gore & John Kerry

 

 

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

 

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

 

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

 

 

 

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

 

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

 

 

 

THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

 

by Mike Tyson

 

 

 

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

 

by PETA

 

 

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

 

 

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

 

by O.J. Simpson

 

 

 

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

 

by Ted Kennedy

 

 

 

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS

 

by Bill Clinton

 

with introduction

 

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[Para Handy]

Don't put Grandma on the stand!

 

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for

the answer.

 

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper

pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was

a youngster.=20 He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said; "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you

to the electric chair!"

[Para Handy]

Royal wedding

 

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,

surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had

forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

 

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes

from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the

festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

 

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she

could think of was getting her shoes off.

 

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the

bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts,

straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

 

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

 

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

 

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now

for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining,

and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."

 

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a

sailor."