Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Medziotojas]

The Potato Bag!

 

Here's a little tip that I thought would be interesting to share with you all to build up your upper body strength. It's really easy and takes no time at all but works a treat.

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

 

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

 

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

 

Then try 10kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 20kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am very proud, I am at this level)

 

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the bags.

[humptygrumpty]

Subject: The Chicken, the Horse and the Harley

 

 

 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

together.

 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and

began to

sink.!

scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the

farmer

for help!

 

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

 

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to

no

avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

 

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

 

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length

of rope

hoping he s till had time to save his friend's life.

 

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

chicken

arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the loop of

rope

the chicken tossed to him.

 

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,

the

chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful

bike,

rescued the horse!

 

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

and the

farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

 

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,

Best

Pals.

 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,

began

to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

 

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large

puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing

and he

would then lift him out of the pit.

 

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,

saving his

life.

 

The moral of the story? (yep, there's usually a moral!)

 

 

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up

Chicks!"

[humptygrumpty]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

 

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's

needing.'"

 

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

 

He kept messing around and created a girl.

 

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

 

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

 

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

 

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

 

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

 

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

 

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

 

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

 

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

 

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

 

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

 

Then he added a mouth.

 

Ruined the whole damn thing !!!!!

[Seaflech]

Michael Barrymore has been asked if he'll be doing pantomime this Christmas

 

'No chance', he replied, 'I did Aladdin 6 years ago and have never heard the end of it'

[Styles]

lol

[Malcolm]

Cyclops was involved in an altercation on the High Street. He punched a bloke on the nose.

 

The chap had looked in a tailor's window while Cyclops was passing. He nodded his head at a suit and shouted to his mate:

 

“There’s the one I’d get!â€

[Malcolm]

Man in hospital coming round from the anaethestic with his wife and doctor at the bedside.

 

The man starts thrashing around the bed, muttering

 

“Climb over the stile into the fallowed field. Turn left in the field of clover and go through the latch gateâ€.

 

 

“Dear God,†said his wife, “What’s the matter with him?â€

 

“Don’t worry†replied the Doctor – “he’s ramblingâ€

[Malcolm]

The Loyal Wife

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had

saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money.

 

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When

I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of

her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket

with him.

 

Well, he died.

 

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting

there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

 

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers

got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

 

She had a box with her, she came over with the box

and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they

rolled it away.

 

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough

to put all that money in there with your husband."

 

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian,

I can't go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money

in that casket with him."

 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the

casket with him!!!!?"

 

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got

it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque.

If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Malcolm]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

 

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

 

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

 

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

 

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They sold me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

 

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

 

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

 

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, but it's P something T something R.

 

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

 

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

 

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

 

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You anything.'

 

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

 

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

 

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

 

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

 

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.'

[Malcolm]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

 

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

 

The dog said:" That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

 

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

 

The monkey said:" Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

 

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

 

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

 

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

 

But man said:" Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone

[Seaflech]

One of the failed Galsgow bombers, Singe Majeep, has been complaining about the food he is getting in hospital, being fed nothing but haggis, neeps and tatties. The doctor said thats what you get in the burns unit

[Shoogler]

[Marjolein]

In the spirit of Germany (My brother made this up when he was peerie):

 

 

A German man walks into a cafe.

 

The waitress asks "Would you like a cup of cofe?"

 

He replies

 

"Nein."

[ewenutz]

Contrary to earlier reports that the glasgow bombers name was singe mahjeep, police have identified him as mahed sonfayer.

[Para Handy]

A Chinese Man has taking over a croft in yell

His Name is

 

 

Yok ahad o yon Ewe