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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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The Queen was in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond. HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond. AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence  How ab

It made me laugh brochbuilder, some folk need to loosen up a bit.

CLASSIC VERSION:   The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.   The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and lau

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

 

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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  • 4 weeks later...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Any body ken any side splitters?

 

NB Any mention of chickens and roads here will meet with the foulest response!!

 

Preferably suitable for all ages likely to view this forum,please

 

I did warn you, you turkey!!!! :evil:

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Guest Anonymous

Here are a few of my favourite jokes (they are a bit crap!)

 

What do you call a burning jacket?

A blazer

 

What do you do if you find a trumpet buried in the ground?

Root it oot

 

How does Jack Frost get to work in the morning?

By Icicyle

 

Whats brown and stares in your window?

A nosey sh*t

 

Ha Ha

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An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

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Guest Anonymous

Jock is driving home late one night when 'BANG' he kills a deer.

Now, not wanting to be wastefull of such a good piece of 'roadkill', he puts in the boot thinking it would make some good eating.

 

Anyway, Sunday Lunch comes around and he serves a very large roast for the family to eat.

 

Little Johnny tucks in and, as soon as he tastes the meat, asks "What's THIS!".

Jock, not wanting to upset his kids (Bambi and all that) says "The meat has the same name as the one your mother sometimes uses for me"

 

"WHOAH" say Johnny, "I'm not eating any f*ck*ng *rs*hole"

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How To Sell Lawnmowers

 

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

 

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

 

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

 

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!" :wink:

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The Raffle

 

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

 

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

 

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

 

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

 

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

 

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." :lol:

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