Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Guest Anonymous]

^^^^^ Na, boy.

He's Japanese.

A bridder tae Yok ahad o yun Trow.

[Malcolm]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

[Malcolm]

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining croft. One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the Ronas hill, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that bull is doing."

Mabel leaned toward him and whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your cow!"

[Para Handy]

Learn Chinese in Five Minutes.

 

1) Thats not right...................Sum Ting Wong

 

2) Are You Harboring a Fugitive..........Hu Yu Hai Ding

 

3) See Me A.S.A.P.............Kum Hia Nao

 

4) Stupid Man...........Dum Gai

 

5) Small Horse...........Tai Ni Po Ni

 

6) Did You Go To The Beach..............Wai Yu So Tan

 

7) I Think You Need A Face Lift.........Chin Tu Fat

 

It’s Very Dark in Here...........Wai So Dim

 

9) I Thought You Were on a Diet..........Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

10) This is a Tow Away Zone........No Pah King

 

11) Our Meeting is Scheduled for Next Week.......Wai Yu Kum Nao

 

12) He’s Cleaning His Automobile.......Wa Shing Ka

 

13) Staying out of Sight........Lei Ying Lo

 

14 Your Body odor is Offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

15) Great.............. Fu Kin Su Pah

[Teenie3]

Why did the skeleton rift?

 

Because he didna have the guts to fart!

[Malcolm]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

 

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

 

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

 

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Malcolm]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly

father died,

he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

 

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful

woman he had ever seen.

 

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man,"

he said as he walked up to her,

"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million

dollars."

 

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,

she became his stepmother.

[Medziotojas]

I don't know why I find this funny, but,

 

The frog and the toad,

were walking along the road,

and the toad's balls fell off!

 

So, the frog picks them up and says, "do you want your balls toad?"

 

...to which the toad replies, "No! do you want your face smashed!"

[humptygrumpty]

FOR SALE!!!

 

Grand Jeep Cherokee

Low Mileage

Only used for airport runs

Slight Fire damage

 

£1000.00 O.N.O.

 

Contact: Mustafa Skingraft, Ward 5, Glasgow General

 

[humptygrumpty]

2 guys in a bar and one says to the other "I cant find my wife"

The other guy says" Niether can I what does yours look like"?

Well she is 5'10, long blonde hair, legs up to her armpits and is wearing a boob tube and mini skirt, what does your's look like"?

"To hell with mine mate , lets just look for yours".

[humptygrumpty]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

 

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

 

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

 

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

 

 

The Perfect Man

 

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

 

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

 

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

 

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

 

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

 

 

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

 

[humptygrumpty]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

 

 

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

 

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

 

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

 

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

 

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

 

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

 

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

 

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Roxy71]

FINE

 

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

FIVE MINUTES

 

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

NOTHING

 

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD

 

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

 

LOUD SIGH

 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

THAT'S OKAY

 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

THANKS

 

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

WHATEVER

 

It's a woman's way of saying *!# @ YOU!

[Roxy71]

After many years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform his duties as a husband between the sheets. He goes to his doctor, tries a few things, but nothing works.

 

"It's all in your mind," says the doctor, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

 

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."

He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

"This is powerful healing, but you can use it once a year," says the witch doctor.

"All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; after that it will not work again for a year!"

 

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. They get into bed and he says: "123," and just like magic he gets an erection.

 

His wife rolls over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

[Roxy71]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour,

the following conversation took place:

 

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able

to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I

would paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife

that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

 

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my

wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

 

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth

guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said any thing about

what

you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off,

I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."