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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

 

A gorgeous petite woman walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

 

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

 

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

 

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

 

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man, "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

 

You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

 

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."

 

But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

 

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

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Chocolate Advice

 

 

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, oranges & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 

The Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The Solution : Eat it in the parking lot.

 

Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

 

A nice box of chocolate can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

 

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

 

If I eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate is that a balanced diet?

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

 

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

 

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

 

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one

foot

high and sets him on the counter.

 

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it

on

the counter as well.

 

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,

which he places in front of the piano.

 

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful

piece by Mozart!

 

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

 

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

 

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and

says: "Here. Rub it."

 

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke

and

 

a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish.

Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

 

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a

million bucks!"

 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by

another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with

ducks and they keep coming!

 

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's

a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

 

"No s***!! Sherlock!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch

pianist??

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display!, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?

 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

 

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

 

The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

 

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

 

"Those are for college men,"the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

 

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..............."

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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their Hometown to attend their reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

 

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera For two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

 

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

 

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't Have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's er*ct p*nis."

 

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

 

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Mondeo."

 

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight

attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them

food and drinks.

 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce

that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if

you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic

looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over

those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the

main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

Princess. I take orders from no one."

 

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,

sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up,

bitch." :lol: :lol: :lol:

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A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

 

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man

 

"Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

 

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

 

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer.

 

"Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

 

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said

 

"Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!". (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

 

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent;

 

"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

 

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT& amp T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on His location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

 

"That's right says the shepherd. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,"

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

 

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the guy. "But how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know f**k... all about sheep.

 

"Now give me back my dog."

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Typos that allegedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced in

church services.

 

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:

"Searching for Jesus."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the

recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those

things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a

conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much

about you.

7. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious

pleasure to the congregation.

9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

downstairs.

10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the

help they can get.

11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of

Pastor Jack's sermons.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will

sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music

will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be

recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and

gracious hostility.

20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm prayer and medication to follow.

21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

22. This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would

lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the

back door.

26. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

27. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

28. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan

last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours."

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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

 

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

 

A carton of eggs,

 

A quart of orange juice,

 

A head of romaine lettuce,

 

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

 

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

 

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

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A fellow walks into a bar with his monkey.

He orders a beer and sits down. The monkey sees a slice of lime and eats it. Then the monkey proceeds to pick up and eat a handful of olives, a couple of pineapple slices and finally the cue ball off the pool table!

At that the bartender speaks up. "Hey buddy, that monkey of yours ate the only cue ball we've got! Those things aren't cheap!"

" I'm not surprised. He's always eating something. I'll pay for everything he's eaten."

The guy pays up, takes his monkey and leaves.

A few weeks later, the guy comes into the same bar again with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits down. The monkey sees a cherry and grabs it, sticks it up his butt and then pops it in his mouth.

"Oh that's nasty!!!", the bartender says," Your monkey grabbed that cherry, first stuck it in his rear end and then ate it!"

"I'm not surprised." ,the monkey's owner replied." Ever since he ate that cue ball, he's been checking everything for size, first!"

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March 19th was Einstein's birthday.

 

He would have been 128.

 

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

 

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

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As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

 

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

 

From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recoginize you."

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