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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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Dear Alcohol,


First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.


However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:


1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.

I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.


In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,


Your biggest fan



P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...


a) Innovative


B) Preliminary


c) Proliferation


d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...


a) Specificity


B) British Constitution


c) Passive-aggressive disorder


d) Transubstantiate


Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...


a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.


B) Nope, no more booze for me.


c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.


d) No kebab for me, thank you.


e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?


f) I'm not interested in fighting you.


g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.


h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.


i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.


j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

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A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop began with a 25kg Kingfish and the second produced a 20 kg snapper. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Long tail tuna when his mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit.



The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.


He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.


He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.


The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just kidding. She's dead. What did you catch?"

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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.


Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.


The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'


All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad

passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished,

the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while then continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'


There she went again, she stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river,and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'


The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river When he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?' She replied 'Up.'


This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'


She replied, 'Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*** or drown.'

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Battle of Trafalgar 2007 style




Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"


Hardy: "Sorry sir"


Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"


Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."


Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."


Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy to reduce binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. Oh well, I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."


Hardy: "I think that you'll find that is unlawful sir. A 4 knot speed limit is now strictly enforced on this stretch of water and the coxswain already has nine points on his license."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest please."


Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"


Hardy: "The Health and Safety supervisor has closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. He also said that the rope ladders don't meet the compulsory statutory regulations either. He won't let anyone up there until it can be made safe and proper scaffolding can be erected."


Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access ramp to the foredeck Admiral."


Nelson: "Wheelchair access ramp? I've never heard anything so absurd."


Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We are obliged to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the term. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."


Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is heavily under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up into the rigging without hard hats and harnesses. Also, they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the Health Advisory Committee?s report about it raising blood pressure? You are aware, are you not, sir, that the Surgeon General has decreed that the recommended daily personal allowance of salt is only eight grams?"


Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and instruct the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "I?m afraid that the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're concerned about being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a team of legal-aid lawyers on board and they?re watching everyone like hawks."


Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


Nelson: "We're not ?"


Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

And according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could easily get hit with a substantial claim for compensation."


Nelson: "But Hardy, tradition states that we English must hate a Frenchman as we hate the Devil."


Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be called to answer for these allegations of institutional racism to the Human Resources Disciplinary Panel."


Nelson: "But surely, my fine fellow, it is our sworn duty to consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our Queen."


Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive of and supportive to all races and creeds in this diverse and multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest and hard-hat; it's the rules. This regulation could save your life"


Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Good God, whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"


Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is now off the menu and the Disciplinary Superintendent?s think tank has decreed a complete ban on all forms of mistreatment, either physical or mental, real or perceived as well as any type of corporal or psychological punishment."


Nelson: "And the sodomy?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now perfectly legal sir, and indeed, possibly compulsory"


Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

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a man and his wife are going out to dinner and are getting dressed in the bedroom , the woman is in her underwear before a full length mirror and says to hubby " What do you like best about me , my lovely figure or my beautiful smile ?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your feckin sense of humour !" :lol: :lol: :lol:

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"


The man says, "Methodist."


St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."


Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"




"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.


A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"




"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."


The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"


St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

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And the Lord said onto Noah, build a great Ark and fill it with two of

every animal, bird and insect you can find and also your sons and

daughters etc so Noah did as he was told and when all was complete the

rains started.

After a week Noah's eldest son approached him and said 'father we have a

problem with all the animal excrement and have nowhere to put it all' so

Noah said 'just take it all up the sharp end and shovel it over the

side' so for forty days and forty nights they shovelled sh*t over the

sharp end and then the waters receeded.

What they found when the rains ceased and all was dry was a humungus

pile of sharn sitting right in the middle of the sea, no more is heard

of this pile until Columbus discovered it in 1492............

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The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"

which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam"

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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:


1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: "So what happened?

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!

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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.


She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.


Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.


The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"


"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.


The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"


"I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.


The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?"


"Because my mum and dad are from the eastend, and my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"


"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.


What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"


"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

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It was entertainment time at the Day Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch,

watch the watch,

watch the watch ...."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "turd," said the Hypnotist.



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A chap was always enchanted by the size and shape of the lady's boobs next door. One day, he was talking over the fence to the husband, and the conversation eventually turned to his wife's assets. The chap then dared to say;


"You know, I'd pay you a £1000 just to kiss your wife's breasts, and I'm serious"


His neighbour said "Really? Oh well, I suppose I could allow that. I could do with the money" So in he went to fetch his wife, who agreed as long as he shared the £1000 with her.


Well, the chap went over the fence where the lady stood baring her all. He thought he'd get his money's worth by stalking round her, looking at them from every angle, making inappropriate gestures with his hands, reaching out as if to grab them, eyes firmly transfixed.


This went on for half an hour, until the husband impatiently shouted;


Well, aren't you going to kiss them?


The chap just stood there staring at his wife's chest for two minutes in anticipation, and said;


"I'm sorry, But I just can't afford it!"

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