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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


Njugle
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Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they

ran into each other later, the first old lady said to the second, "My!

Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

 

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can

they display such a thing! Why the genitalia on it was so large!"

 

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out "... and cold, too!"

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An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked

the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss

replied in a heavy brogue.

 

"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.

 

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high

heels."

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John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft

mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.

 

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with

nothing to do.

 

John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!'

 

Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz.

 

Di ye wanna try it?'

 

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed.

 

The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

 

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

 

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

 

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the day?'

 

John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?'

 

Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?'

 

John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs stoness! -- nae hangover,

nethin. We shid dee this mair afen'

 

Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.'

 

'Fit's at then?'

 

'Hiv yi farted yet?'

 

' Er, - No '

 

Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway!

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Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

 

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

 

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

 

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 

 

What can you learn from this demonstration?

 

 

 

 

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are taken, word for word, from actual court transcripts:

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 

WITNESS: No, I just lay there.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

 

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

WITNESS: I forget.

 

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

 

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

WITNESS: Are you turdt'n me?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 

WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin' laid!

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

WITNESS: Yes.

 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 

WITNESS: None.

 

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 

WITNESS: You're kidding, right? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 

WITNESS: By death.

 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 

WITNESS: Guess.

 

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

 

WITNESS: All my autopsies were performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

 

WITNESS: Oral.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

 

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

 

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 

WITNESS: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

 

 

And now, the best for last...

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

 

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and

everything else was automatic.Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

 

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove

the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any

useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on

the instrument, but still without success.

 

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot

Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

 

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works

fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?""Don't worry,"

replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release

automatically once it's collected two gallons."

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A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

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Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the

breeze.

 

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to your house while you wuz out

fishin' an' banged your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us

kin?"

 

 

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but

it shore would make us even."

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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the

Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they

got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed

with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a

farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no

remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone

farmer was

plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They

hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

 

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

 

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

 

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

 

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

 

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his

tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the

morning."

 

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

 

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

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The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that

they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two

months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and

feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

 

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well,

though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll

miss him."

 

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since

I'm that one person, I say he goes."

 

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and

wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

 

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she

insisted. "Go and get his cage."

 

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "His cage?!

Oh, no! Danny?!! We thought you said Daddy!"

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In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar started a building

to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign

to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

 

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a

lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

 

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the

bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately

responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or

indirect actions or means.

 

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the

buildings demise in its reply to the court.

 

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the

paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to

decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner

who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation

that doesn't."

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