Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[humptygrumpty]

A man turns up in hospital with two black eyes , various cuts and bruises , Thet doc says "What happened to you ?" Well the mans says the wife and me were playing golf and she sliced the ball and it went over a hedge into a feild , so I said I'd get it for her , so when I went into the feild i saw a ball wedged in a cows fanny , So I called out to her "This looks like yours" I Dont remember much after that...............

[Malcolm]

A doctor was addressing a large audience and said

"Food we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago"

 

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, high fat diets can be disastrous"

 

"None of us realise the long term harm caused by germs in the drinking water, but there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it"

 

Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes more grief and suffering for years and years after eating it?"

 

After a few seconds a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said.......

 

 

 

 

 

"Wedding Cake"

[Malcolm]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the

passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

 

Finally, she said, "Now, sit back and enjoy your trip while our Captain,

Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

 

A man sitting in the 16th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her

right? The captain is a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda."

 

When the attendants came by the with the drink cart, he said, "Did I

understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

"Yes." said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

 

"My God," said the man, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't

know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

 

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the

cockpit........ it's the box office."

[Malcolm]

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on

in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he

said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and

there were people in the shed, stealing things.

 

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so

no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted

to 30 and rang the police again.

 

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in

my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot

them all."

 

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an

Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars

red-handed.

 

One of the policeman said to this man, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

 

He replied, "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

[Malcolm]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple

had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old

neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their

old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk

they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,

practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not

sure what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the

money: fifty thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid

it in their attic.

 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for

the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you

find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said,

"Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us

the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were

walking home from school yesterday.... " The first FBI guy turns to his

partner and says, "We're outta here."

[Malcolm]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he

planned to visit on his vacation.

 

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well

groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep

him in my room with me at night?"

 

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been

operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a

dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've

never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being

drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch

for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

[Marooned in Maywick]

A woman walked into her living room to find her husband, fly-swatter in hand, perspiring slightly.

 

"What are you doing, dear?" she enquired.

 

"Killing flies, obviously"

 

"Any success?"

 

"Yeah - three males and two females"

 

"Really? Are you sure? How can you tell?"

 

"Three were on my beer can and the other two were on the phone"

[Malcolm]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

 

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

WHAT?'

I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

 

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

 

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:'The big sissy.'

 

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

 

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

 

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

 

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

 

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

[Malcolm]

How to bath your cat!

 

1) Thoroughly clean the toilet.

 

2) Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

 

3) Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

4) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.

 

5) Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

 

6) Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

 

7) The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

 

1) Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

 

2) Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

 

3)Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

 

5) Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

 

6) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

 

7) You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

 

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

 

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[DamnSaxon]

Relating back to Malcolm's children jokes above, an incident from my own school bus driving days. I personally certify it 100% genuine. I thought, one day on the way home, that my passengers were a little quiet until a well-known children's TV chorus started up, sung with gusto by all from 4 to 15:

 

"Postman Pat, Postman Pat,

Postman Pat ran over his cat.

Blood and guts went flying,

Postman Pat was crying ... "

 

Somehow I kept the bus on the road through tears of laughter. Bloodthirsty little creatures!

[Malcolm]

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates

 

St Peter opens them and says ' Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through'.

 

Pavarotti says ' Hold on, I 've got an envelope for you, from the Pope.'

 

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

 

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU' !

[Malcolm]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

 

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

 

***************

 

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

 

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was

Chinese.

 

***************

 

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

 

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the

escalators for over four hours.

 

*****************

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad

hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he

decided to have some fun.

 

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started

blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

 

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow

into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to

roll up the windows first.

 

****************

 

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

 

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while

covering the right eye.

 

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor,

in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered

up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

 

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

 

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about

getting glasses."

 

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire

frames."

 

****************

 

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver

thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and

brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and

some things cold."

 

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she

bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

 

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things

cold," she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

 

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

 

***************

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls

and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and

finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

******************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something

nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a

cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its

features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her

new phone.

 

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her

astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,

"how do you like your new phone?"

 

Susie replied , "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear

as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

 

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

 

 

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly

losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track

and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

 

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

 

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race

horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the

horses.

 

Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.

 

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had

blessed won the race.

 

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse

the priest would bless for the 6th race.

 

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing

horses, and they always came in first.

 

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he

knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop

at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that

would tell him which horse to bet on.

 

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the

last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the

horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded.

 

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he

demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and

they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks

to you I've lost all my savings!!"

 

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with

Protestants!; You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing

and the Last Rites!

[Malcolm]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right

- all the time.

 

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.

 

He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

 

He could golf with the pros.

 

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.

 

He was an amazing guy"

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

 

Cabbie: "There's more.......

 

He had a memory like a computer.

 

Could remember everybody's birthday.

 

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

 

He could fix anything.

 

Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

 

But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

 

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

 

Cabbie:

 

"And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man!

 

He never made a mistake.

 

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

Cabbie: "I married his f****** widow!!!"

[Malcolm]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

 

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

 

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

 

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

 

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

 

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pressed the lever, and flushes it without saying a word.

 

The Angel immediately said,

 

"OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

 

Dolly was outraged and asked,

 

"What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed the bog and she got admitted to Heaven!

 

Would you explain that to me?"

 

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but a royal flush beats a pair."

[Malcolm]

After 10 days of being lost in a desert a man finally reaches the outskirts of a village and, using his last few ounces of energy, crawls along the main street towards the centre of the village, on his hands and knees. As he does so he notices that market stalls appear to have been set out along the the street.

 

He crawls up to the first stall gasping: 'Water, water ! Give me water!'. 'I'm sorry,' says the first stallholder, 'but I'm only selling jelly and sponge.

 

The man crawls up to the second stall crying out: 'For the love of God, water, water ! Give me water!' he cries. 'I'm so sorry sir,' says the second stallholder, 'But I've only got custard.'

 

So summoning up his last reserves he crawls along up to the third stall.

'Water, water! Have pity upon me and give me some water !' he whimpers.

'Oh, I'm sorry sir,' says the third stallholder, 'I'd love to be able to help you out but I only selling fresh cream and hundreds & thousands.'

 

'It's unbelievable,' says the grossly dehydrated skeleton of a man !

'I can't believe that no one has any water here.'

 

'I know,' says the third stallholder, 'it is a trifle bazaar.'