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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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A couple I know went to the co-op and as they went around the Isles the wife was picking stuff fae the shelves and another woman close by doing the same thing. Pals wife then bends down to get something off the shelf and lets a quite one away.

Hubby gets a whiff of this and says to the other woman " Jesus , you dirty bitch ! " and quickly moves away.

Of course by this time the wife is in stitches but doesnt tell him it was her until they are out in the car park ! :lol:

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noo dan


ders a Scottish man, an English man and a Shetlander apo a plane, an der haein a dram.


Da Scotsman says as he's drinkin his whisky you know we have so much whisky I don't need dis, an so he fires it oot da window.


Da Englishman is clinin' his bread wi mustard an he says, you know we have so much mustard we don't need it, an so he fires it oot da window.


so da Shetlander picks up da english man an' fires him oot da window

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Paddy and Mick were both laid off,

so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher.

I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer

and, finding it classified as unskilled labour,

he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,

"Diesel Fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job,

the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out

why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained,

"Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour

and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy.

"I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,

then Mick puts 'em over his head

and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

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: How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------------- --------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------! ------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake

---------------------------------------------! ----------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone - 'This is our most rigorous program.'

Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads://














'I'm Nigel . If I catch you, you're mine...'

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Bad Year for a Blonde



January Took Christmas gift scarf back to store because it was too tight.


Feb. fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hellooo! bottles won't fit in typewriter.


March Got excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, box said 2 -4 years.


April Trapped on escalator for hours..the power went out.


May Tried to make Kool Aid wrong instructions on packet 8 cups of water will not fit in those little packets.


June Tried to go water skiing couldn't find a lake with a slope


July Lost the breast stroke competition, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.


Aug. Got locked out of my car in a rain storm, car swamped because top was left open


Sept. The capital of California is C isn't it ?


October Hate M&M;s they are so hard to peel.


November Burned the turkey. baked it for 4 1/2 days Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108


December Couldn't call 911 duh like there is no eleven button on the stupid phone.


What a year!!

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As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.


However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.



Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health


Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s*it.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

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Thinking of moving to Dubai ?


April 31st:

Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai , UAE!


Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and

warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks,

murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a


chair on my beautiful bedroom verandah. It was beautiful. I've

finally found my home. I love it here.


May 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an

air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything

is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday

like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.


May 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our


lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No

more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

Heat is no problem at all.


June 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night.

How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind

of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I



July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body.

Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I

learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left to the

office this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch

break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag

and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The

car now smells like Wiskettes and cat turd. I learned my lesson

though. No more pets in this heat.


July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant lumpsooker hair dryer in here!!

And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The lumpsooker AC

repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was

broken in lumpsooker Hindu English or something that I couldn't




July 30th:

Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3

nights now because it is 7000 lumpsooker degrees inside. Bloody

2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever

come here?

pootle the sun. pootle the wind. pootle the freakin' ocean. And lumpsooker

locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little

black ninjas. lumpsooker crazy town.


August 4th:

It's 114 lumpsooker degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner

fixed. It cost 2,000 lumpsooker Dirhams and got the temperature down to

25, but the lumpsooker humidity makes the house feel 30 lumpsooker Dubai


Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid lumpsooker place.


August 8th:

If another local wiseass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm

going to lumpsooker whack him all the way back to his Goddamn desert.

lumpsooker Dubai ; by the time I get to work with all that lumpsooker

traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are

soaking wet, and I smell like a baked cat!!


August 9th:

Tried to run some errands today because it is lumpsooker Friday. Wore

shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so

lumpsooker hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh

and all the hair on the back of my legs and my lumpsooker ass. Now my

car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.


August 10th:

The weather report might as well be a lumpsooker recording. Hot, humid

and lumpsooker sunny. Hot, humid and lumpsooker sunny. Hot, humid and

lumpsooker sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and

the weatherman dude wearing the lumpsooker white tablecloth on TV says

it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn

lumpsooker place?

What is next, a lumpsooker hell freezing over wave?


August 14th:

WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the

air-conditioner's gone in my lumpsooker Audi. The lumpsooker Audi

serviceman said, "Hot enough for you today?" pootle him and pootle Audi.

My wife had to spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for

assaulting that stupid lumpsooker Pakistani bar steward wiseass. pootle Dubai !

What kind of a sick demented lumpsooker idiot would want to live in this

turd hole?


August 15th:

pootle this place. I'm off back to Lerrik!!!!!!!!

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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.


The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.â€


The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?â€


Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.â€


The blonde, after thinking for a while, replies, “Don’t you have a vase?â€

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Little Tony was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Tony was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.


After Little Tony’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gamblingâ€. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me £5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.â€


“DAMN!†said the father.

“What’s wrong?â€, the teacher asked.


Little Tony’s father said, “This morning he bet me £100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!â€

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