Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[humptygrumpty]

A truck driver goes to a sex therapist who tells him he must mastrubate more often. So he's looking around for somewhere private but with little success until he hits on the idea that he would just lie under the truck , have a wank and if anyone came along he'd say he was checking his axles.

 

So he's well into it and giving it some with his eyes closed when he hears a bemused ploiceman say "Oi what to hell are you doin?" "Just checking my axles mate" he says with his eyers still shut. Policeman says " better check your feckin brakes when you're there as your lorry rolled away 10 mins ago.

[sassermaet]

A man gets a taxi and, as you do, starts chatting to the driver about his life.

 

"You know," he says sadly, "I wish I had a job - I'm sick of being on the dole."

 

"You're sick of the dole, eh?" says the taxi driver. "Well, it just so happens that I've just heard of a brilliant job prospect that I think would be right up your street."

 

"Oh yes?"

 

"Yep. This very rich gentleman is requiring a chauffeur for his 19-year-old daughter. You get to drive her all around the town, join her in hobnobbing with the rich and famous, stuff like that. You're also allowed exclusive access to her sexually. The wage? £500,000 a year. Not bad, eh?"

 

The man's eyes widen.

 

"Half a million quid?" he exclaims. "You're bullturdting me!"

 

The taxi drivers grins and replies "You started it."

[sheepshagger]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath.A young nun, Sister Magdalene, prepared the bath water and towels asinstructed by one of the older nuns. Sister Magdalene was alsoinstructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help itand to do whatever he told her to do.The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.'Oh, Sister,' said the young nun dreamily. 'I've been saved.''Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?' asked the old nun.'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him, he guided my hand between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.''Did he now?' said the old nun. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock; the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I Would be assured of Salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John Guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock.''Is that a fact?' said the old nun.'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.''That wicked old Devil,' said the old nun. 'He told me it wasGabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years

[sheepshagger]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane. "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked. The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first. The second lady said , "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties." Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first." The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties....."What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

[Malcolm]

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

 

So they loaded up Jim's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few

hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a

nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they

could spend the night.

 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all

to myself, but I’m recently widowed,' she explained.

'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house'

 

'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the

weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

 

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They

enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

But about nine months later, Jim got an unexpected letter from an

attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally

determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had

met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that

good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north

about 9 months ago?'

 

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

 

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the

house and pay her a visit?'

 

'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I

have to admit that I did.'

 

'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?'

 

 

 

 

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Malcolm]

OMG ! You just have to see this...

 

 

 

 

http://tinyurl.com/ueg7d

[Malcolm]

12 year old Tony was walking along the road dragging a dead frog on a piece of string.

He made his way to the local brothel where he walked in and demanded to spend half an hour with a professional lady.

His only proviso was that she must have a sexually transmitted disease!

 

The Madame was horrified and assured him that all her girls were scrupulously clean and she simply could not accommodate him.

Tony slapped £200 on the desk and repeated that he required a girl who must have an STD with whom he could spend half an hour.

After some further arguments and wrangling the Madame told Tony to go upstairs, third door on the left and a girl would come to him..

As he walked out of the office to climb the stairs the madame noticed the dead frog he was dragging around on a piece of string?

 

A little over half an hour later, Tony came walking down the stairs with a satisfied smile on his face.

The Madame, unable to contain her curiosity, asked Tony why he wanted to spend time with a young who was carrying an STD?

 

"Well," said Tony, "It's like this."

 

"Tonight the baby sitter will come round to look after me while mum and dad are out."

 

"I'll screw her and she will catch the disease that young lady just gave me."

 

"Then, when mum and dad get in, dad takes her home and he will have intercourse with her on the back seat of the car, so he will catch it."

 

"When dad comes home and him and mum go to bed they will have sex and my dad will give it to my mum."

 

"Tomorrow morning after dad has left for work the milkman comes round and he will have his way with my mum on the kitchen table so, HE will catch it."

 

"And he's the bas**rd that killed my frog!"

[Malcolm]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe.

 

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboybravely asked the old cowpoke,

 

"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,

 

"Nah, go ahead."

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight.

 

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

 

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[Malcolm]

High up in his penthouse suite the mad scientist worked feverishly to perfect his grand project; the human clone.

 

Everything was going well but for one small detail:

 

the clone cussed like a drunk sailor on shore leave.

 

Nothing the scientist could do would stop the clone's abusive ranting.

 

Finally he could take no more and pushed the clone out the window, where itfell sixty stories to its death.

 

The police were summoned to the building,

 

but all they could charge thescientist with was making an obscene clone fall.

[humptygrumpty]

Q:- What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an agnostic dyslexic ?

 

A:- Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

[Malcolm]

[Malcolm]

Stupidity is a terminal illness, Not sure how true? But they made me laugh

 

And these people are proof. Competition has been tough, seems folks are getting stupider by the year. So much for Darwin’s theory, they’re still breeding. Pretty sure these were snagged from the Darwin Awards, but I’m not positive. Funny nonetheless.

 

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,†accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 

Second Place

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M., so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

 

First Runner Up

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

 

And The Winner Is

Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves “Sh*t happens.â€

[JAStewart]

Second place was my favourite

[Twerto]

A Tipperary father of two who shot another man in the face at a house party in Clonmel in 2006 has been jailed for life by Mr Justice Paul Carney at the Central Criminal Court.

 

Leigh Crowe, aged 33, with an address at Elm Park, Clonmel, Tipperary pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of 25-year-old Owen Cahill, the attempted murder of Mark Doolan at the party on April 2 nd 2006 and the assault causing harm of Sharon Rossiter.

 

On the night of the incident two masked men entered the house on the outskirts of Clonmel carrying a double barrelled sawn off shotgun and a pump action shotgun. Sgt Barry O'Riordan told Mr Denis Vaughan Buckley SC, prosecuting, that one of the men walked up to Mr Cahill and shot in the face at point blank range. He died "almost instantaneously".

 

Mr Doolan managed to distract the gunmen momentarily but received a gunshot wound to the upper right arm. Mr Vaughan Buckley told the Court Mr Doolan was still receiving treatment for his injuries.

 

Sgt O'Riordan said that when Crowe was interview he asked gardaí what evidence they had against him. They told him he had been identified at the scene. Crowe replied "that's sprootle. Nobody saw me. I had on a balaclava and gloves."

[khitajrah]

I don't find this even remotely amusing - but then, neither do I enjoy those type of films where there is a lot of wind being broken and people falling down. No offense intended to those who do find them amusing.

 

It reminds me of the definition of Happiness in The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce:

 

Happiness An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misfortune of another.