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The gynaecologist



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she

visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of five cent pieces."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were fifty cent coins in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again,plink-plink-plink, and there were dollar coins and this morning there were two dollar coins! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored,

"I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about..."













"You're simply going through the change!

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It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.


As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!†shouted a man in the boat. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No,†replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.†So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.




Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father,†he said, “I had faith in you… I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?†God gave him a puzzled look, and replied “I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?â€

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Glasgow pick up lines...


1) Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me awa.


2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz your pure special.


3) Mah Love fur you is like diarrhea. I canny hudd

it in.


4) Di ye huv a library cerd? Cuz I'd like to sign

you out.


5) Is there a mirror in yur pants? Cuz I can see ma

sel in em.


6) If you wurr a tree and I was a Squirrel, I'd

store mah nuts in yerhole.


7) You might no be the best lookin girl here but

beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHAT?' Man - 'I

just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'


9) I know I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin

make yur bed-rock.


10) I canny find mah puppy, can you help me find

him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room.


11) Yur puss reminds me of a wrench... Every time I

think of it ma nuts pure tighten up.


12) I'm gonna have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there.


13) I'm a freelance gynocologist. How long has it been since your last checkup


14) You'll do.


15) Are u free tonight or will it cost me ?? :D :lol: :D :lol:

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These are nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates.


Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.


Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under

his cloth cap.


The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on

the side).


The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he

always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'


The Man from Del Monte - purportedly a ladies' man, but everyone

suspects it's the fruits that make him say: 'Yes!'


The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.


Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.


Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.


Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the



Bernard Caliper - a keen golfer with a leg iron.


Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.


Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.


Elmer - according to his mates, this guy is a real Fudd.


Harvey Smith - a skinflint who regularly enjoys a clear round at the



The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.


The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots

the craw


Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.


Polyfilla - his real name is Phil McCracken.


The Mounty - whenever there's a carry-out on the go, he always gets

his can


Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.


Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be

scared of the alarm clock.


Wolfy - fond of a right good bevvy, he's always howling.


The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed

sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.


The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.


Charlton Heston - an incredibly slow fitter who turns every job into

an epic.


The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my

hands are tied.


The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really

bad complexion.


The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.


Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose

morals (aka the great dicktaker)

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Somewhere, in some office or human resources department… an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral… other times… not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).


“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.â€


“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.â€


“I would not allow this employee to breed.â€


“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.â€


“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.†(My favourite)


“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.â€


“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.â€


“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.â€


“This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.â€


“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.â€

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A van driver has just come up from sooth and driven off the Hrossey early one morning with a delivery for Northwards.


The van driver is not sure of the way out to Gremista, but as he reaches the power station he sees someone walking along the road. The driver winds down the window and says to the pedestrian "Is that the Gremista turn off up ahead?"


The pedestrian peers into the distance and says "Nah I dunna tink so"


The van driver looks ahead and can make out another figure walking up the road towards Gremista. He smiles at the pedestrian's mistake and says "No, you don't understand" He waves his hand in the general direction of Gremista. "I mean is THAT the Gremista turnoff?"


The pedestrian says "Nah, that's nae da Gremista turnoff and I shud ken, cos I've bin marrit til her for da past ten year"

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sold me her SOUL, I opened the box and IT WAS DAMAGED. Plus it smelled funny
Good News! the puppy arrived ALIVE this time! Guess 9 times a charm!A++
Taser worked even better that expected! My 3-year-old now eats brussel sprouts!
As Promised—painless, clean, and photos to prove the hit was done right AA+++
They actuallyPUT THEMSELVES IN THE BOX to insure delivery;boy was i surprised!A+

:lol: :P :lol: Good stuff.

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Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often


chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and


organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will


include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some


overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on


rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel


expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.








The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,


until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.


Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go


from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams


from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.


Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small


gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen


phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple


homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings


for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be


indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and


product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery


operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the


worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end


product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work


throughout the facility.








Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,


without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that


those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.








None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually


exhausting basis.








Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon


payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will


help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them


whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that


you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.








While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,


no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies


limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you


play your cards right.









Mother, Mum, Mama, Mummy, Momma, Ma

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Here are some conversations that the airline passengers

don't hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between

airline pilots and control towers around the world.




"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"


Delta 351:

"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341,

for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."



we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?"


"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes

when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long

takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"


Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"


Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was lumpsooker bored, not lumpsooker stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,

one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 239:

"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...

I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country


While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"


Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an

exceedingly long roll out after touching down.


San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the

end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit

off Highway 101, make a right at the lights

and return to the airport."


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,

turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,

"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the

engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance

in Munich overheard the following:


Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"


Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English."


Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.

Why must I speak English?"


Unknown voice from another plane

(in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bl**dy war."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by

the tower to hold short of the active runway while

a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,

and taxied back past the Cherokee.


Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on

the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.

Did you make it all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot,not about to let the insult go by,

came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts.

Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts

for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport

are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance

from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)

listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt

ground control and a British Airways 747,

call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206:

"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."



"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."


The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.



"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"


Speedbird 206:

"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"


Speedbird 206 (coolly):

"Yes, twice in 1944,but it was dark,--and I didn't land."




While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport,

the crew of a US Air flight departing for

Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to

nose with a United 727.


An irate female ground controller lashed out at

the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771,where the hell are you going?! !

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta!

Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell

the difference between C and D,but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,

she was now shouting hysterically:


Now you've screwed everything up!

It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions

in about half an hour and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,

and how I tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"


"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.


Naturally the ground control communications frequency

fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of

US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was

definitely running high.


Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence

and keyed his microphone asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

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A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex mit you."


"OK" says the girl, "I charge £100 an hour."


"Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."


"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and aduckcaller


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees


"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."


She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."


She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller


The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That wastotallyamazing, where did you learn how to do that?"


"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

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Two bats, Pieter and Paulo, were hanging on a branch, desperately hungry. Loggers had recently moved into the forest, scaring all the creatures away, leaving them with nothing to feed off. Paulo decides to go further than they've ever been, right out to the edge of the forest, so hungry is he.


After what seems quite a wait but is actually only ten minutes (as any wait is a long one to an emaciated bat), Paulo returns. Blood pours from his mouth. Pieter makes quite a song and dance about it, as hungry bats are wont to do when they've finally found food and, through his anticiptory dribbling, asks Paulo:


"Where'd you get that blood from, then?"

Paulo points off into the distance, to a large oak tree. "D'you see that sycamore?" He says, his once great knowledge of flora and fauna fading in his middle age.

"Yeah?" Says Pieter, his fangs quivering with excitement.

"Well I didn't."

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. The

stranger turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that

flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow



The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and

said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'


Oh, I don't know', said the stranger, 'how about nuclear power?'


'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask

you a question first.' 'A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass,

the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow

turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'


The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Wow, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know turd?'

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