Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Roxy71]

Toothbrush Salesman

 

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enoughâ€

 

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.â€

 

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

 

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip†A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like turd.â€

 

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?â€

[Njugle]

Definition of "Brave:"

 

Coming home covered in lipstick, stinking of perfume, slapping the wife on the ass and saying, "Right Fatty,you're next!"

[AngusMecoatup]

Did you hear about the gay magician?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He disappeared with a poof

[Heimdal]

How do you make a cat drink

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put it in the liquidizer.

[JustMe]

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

 

Research on bread indicates that:

 

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

 

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

 

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

 

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

 

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

 

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

 

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously )

[Heimdal]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the

Farmers Bar, Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan

through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to the

community college and sign up for some classes."

 

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

 

 

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs

him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and logic.

 

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

 

 

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

 

"Aye"

 

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden"

 

"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden."

 

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think

logically that you would have a house."

 

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

 

"I huv a femily."

 

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a

wife."

 

"Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife !!"

 

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual ?"

 

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin' !! You were able to find a' that oot,

jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

 

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and leaves to

meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up

for Maths, English, History and logic.

 

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"

 

Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"

 

"No."

 

"Well then, yer a poof."

[Heimdal]

Tony Blair visits an Old Folks Home,whilst there he shakes hands with the residents. Then he comes to an old lady who's been looking at him quizzically. "Hello" says the P.M. "Do you know who I am?" The old lady thinks for a while and replies. "Ask Matron, she'll tell you"

[teenie]

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

 

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

 

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

 

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

 

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."

[johnny_knobsville]

When Chantelle wiz in the hospital huvvin' Jay then she telt the burd at the right side of her bed that she wiz huvvin' a boy 'coz she wiz on top when he was conceived.

 

The burd she spoke to said she wiz huvvin' a girl coz she wiz on the bottom when she was conceived.

 

This pure minger who was listening tae the conversation piped up and said "ah think ah'm huvvin' puppies"

[Ally]

ok! looks like the last ones i posted were a little too "adult" - or maybe just so unfunny that they warrented deletion!

 

I'll tone it down bit from now on...

 

Here's a mildy amusing variation on the Englishman, Irishman Scotsman theme:

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

 

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

 

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

 

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint and shakes it over the drink screaming "Come on ya wee bast*rd! Spit it oot!"

 

 

 

[Heimdal]

Donald Rumsfeld was giving George Dubya his daily briefing.

 

He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

 

"OH MY GOD!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as

the president sat, head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looked up and asked..........''Er - how many is a brazillion?"

[Jonesy]

Tony Blair is visiting a hospital in Ayrshire. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first patient with a handshake. The patient replies:

 

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o' the puddin race,

Aboon them a you take your place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

How thou'art worthy o' a grace

As langs my airm."

 

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds:

 

"Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

 

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Blair moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

 

"Wee, sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickerin' brattle."

 

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks:

 

Is this a psychiatric ward?

 

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit".

[lumpsucker]

peerie boy comes into school the next day after being off , the teacher says , why were you off school yesterday young man , the peerie boy says , my dad got burnt , teacher says thats terrible was he badly burnt , the young boy says miss they dont f*ck about in the crematorium

[L9ndh]

A couple of hunters are out stalking bunnies in Dunrossness when one of them falls to the ground.

 

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his mobile phone, calls NHS24 and gasps " My friend is dead, what can I do?"

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead..."

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

[L9ndh]

The lawyer said to Mickey Mouse, "With the best will in the world, Mr Mouse, I can't see any court in the land granting a divorce from Mrs Mouse on the grounds that she has buck teeth."

 

Mickey replied "I didn't say she has buck teeth - I said she's f*****g Goofy!"