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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


Njugle
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

 

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

 

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

 

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

 

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

 

 

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's

eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green

shoes.

 

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

 

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

 

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

 

"We'll see," says the bartender.

 

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

 

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

 

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

 

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

 

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

 

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

 

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."

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A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the

front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no.

Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"

Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no, again.

Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with some cookies.

Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The Boy asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go screw yourself,

Grandma made these cookies for me!

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THE UGLY FROG

 

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

 

 

 

 

 

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.

YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

 

 

 

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

 

 

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

 

 

 

 

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

 

 

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

 

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

 

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

 

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

 

 

COME ON GUESS!

 

 

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!

*

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*

*

*

SHE TURNED INTO THE

 

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

 

She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!!

 

 

OLD LADIES ROCK

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A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

 

"I can't do that, officer."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

 

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

 

"Can't do that either, officer."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

 

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

 

"Can't do that either, officer."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

 

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

 

"Can't do that either, officer."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm drunk."

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For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.

 

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

 

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.

 

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

 

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.

 

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them.

 

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

 

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.

 

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

 

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.

 

9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

 

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

 

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

 

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

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6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

 

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND NIPPLES FOR ?

A: It's Braille for " suck here. "

 

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. "

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it aGoodyear.

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

AND:

 

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT ?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

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A young couples was preparing to set off on their honeymoons by train.

The bridegroom said, "Wait here, dear, while I get the tickets."

 

And so he did, but long habit would not be denied and he had not yet

gotten used to the fact that it was no longer "just him" traveling.

 

He had bought only one round-trip ticket.

 

He came rushing back to his bride, who looked at the single ticket in

his hand, her bright blue eyes promptly filling with tears.

 

The bridegroom looked at her with astonishment, then, with horror, at

his ticket.

 

In the blink of an eye set all straight by saying, "Oh, darling, silly

me! In all the excitement over our honeymoon, I completely forgot to buy

a ticket for myself!"

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Wilbur got a job on the railways as a steward. For the first day he

accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple,"

said his tutor, "Just use diplomacy."

 

"What's diplomacy?" asked Wilbur.

 

"Watch me I'll show you". Off they went down the train corridor,

rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering

tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door he was

confronted with a buck naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

 

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

 

"Wow, did you see that cutie!" Wilbur said excitedly. "She had no

clothes on. But hey, why did you call her sir?"

 

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her".

 

Wilbur was most impressed with his teacher.

 

The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and

found a couple making love on the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir?"

 

"Tea" the man replied.

 

"And for your husband?"

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Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty

soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental

clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got

to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get

suspicious."

 

"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides,

we've been having this affair for six months now and he doesn't suspect

a thing."

 

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

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At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present

for his girlfriend.

 

"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.

 

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatist,

replied, "No, just engrave it 'To My One And Only Love.' That way, if we

break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he

tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy

little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to

trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

 

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my

fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see

you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

 

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never

seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

 

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,

and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a

dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

 

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of

animal are you?"

 

The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine

him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind

of an animal am I?"

 

So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard,

you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be

a politician.

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Subject: W O R K

 

Worm Overload Recreational Killer (W O R K)

 

Worm Overload Recreational Killer ...

 

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,

and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer

(WORK).

 

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone

else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your

private life completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take

two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote

known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has

been completely eliminated from your system.

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