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Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?


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Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,

President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and a beard,

wearing a white robe and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the

man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"


The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.


In a loud voice the President said, "Moses!" The man just stared ahead,

not acknowledging the President.


Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed

man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to

you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.


"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me

and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"


Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.


The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,

"You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"


The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But

the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the

desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire

Middle East with no oil.

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Three vampires walk into a pub. The first goes to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. The barman gives him one but tells him he's lucky as there were only two shots left. The vampire takes his shot and sits down.


The second vampire goes to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. The barman tells him "You're lucky, you got the last shot of blood in the whole pub." The vampire takes his shot and sits down.


The third one goes to the bar but is told there is no more blood. So he asks instead for a shot of water and takes it back to the table with him. He sits down, takes a used tampon out of his pocket, and dips it into the shot of water.


The other two look confused and enquire as to what he's doing, to which he replies, "Haven't either of you two ever heard of a teabag?"

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Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


In a recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

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A man entered the bus with both his trouser pockets full of golf balls,

and he sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blond.


The puzzled blond keeps looking at his bulging pockets.


Finally, after such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."


Nevertheless the blond continued to look at him thoughtfully

and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer

the blond asked..........


"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Santa Claus might be in trouble




Lawyers at firm Pinsent Masons have performed a health-check on Santa Claus' annual operations this year and have found him exposed to a number of risks that businesses encounter from time to time.


Discrimination http://www.out-law.com/page-8759

Data protection http://www.out-law.com/page-8750

Distance selling regulations http://www.out-law.com/page-8753

Health & safety http://www.out-law.com/page-8756

WEEE/rural hygiene http://www.out-law.com/page-8764


As the firm's newsletter says, "There was no comment from The Grotto at the time of going to press."

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Whilst out Christmas shopping A mate needed to use a public toilet in Glasgow yesterday and, much to his surprise, found that it was freshly painted and clean with laundered towels and fresh soap.


There was a notice that said, "Please leave this toilet as you'd expect to find it" - so he smashed the lavatory bowel, pissed on the towels, stole the soap and smeared sh**e on the walls.

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"


The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."


The guy left.


A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."


The guy left.


A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."


The guy left.


The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.


"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"


Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,


"Your house."

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The infants are putting on the religious play of the birth of Christ.


The 3-5 year old boys playing the 3 kings are very cocky and of course know all of their lines.


When it comes to the part where they enter the stable and offer there presents to Jesus they are out of order.


The first boy strolls up and says ' Jesus I bring you MYRH'


The second boy stands there and says ' Jesus I bring you GOLD'


The third boy bounces up and shouts out 'FRANK SENT US '

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There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the

world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,

Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the

workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million

(according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census)

rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,

presuming there is at least one good child in each.


Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the

different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to

west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,

Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump

down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents

under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up

the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.


Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed

around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept

for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78

miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting

bathroom stops or breaks.


This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000

times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man

made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per

second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two

pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting

Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than

300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the

normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -

Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not

counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven

times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).


A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates

enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same

fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead

pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per

second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost

instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating

deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be

vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time

Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however,

since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.

in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.


A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high

calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to

the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing

his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.



[mod] Santa is, of course, not dead because he's magic, so he can do anything. He will be giving silly Malcolm a lump of coal this year. [/mod]

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