sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 ^ scrooge is alive and well. please remember dis is a family forum and some poor peerie soul is sittin at hom greetin his een oot efter readin yun.for god sakes mods please delete yun post afore ony mare bairns read it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 ^^ Please remember this is the joke section of the forums. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassermaet Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Why couldn't the washing machine stop laughing? Because it was taking the p*** out of the knickers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 ^^ some things should not be joked about, santa is one of them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 SS, Here is a counter argument for you ;D PROOF THE BIG FELLA DOES EXIST... A top Canadian space scientist has calculated how Santa Claus manages to deliver presents to almost a billion children around the world – at least the ones who haven't been naughty – during Christmas Eve. All it takes is precise orbital mechanics, fast-working elves, multiple time zones and a helping hand from NASA's shuttle, says Andrew Yau at the University of Calgary. It also requires a sleigh longer than two football fields that orbits the Earth at 23 times the speed of sound. Yau worked out the details at the behest of a federal granting agency, the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, which posted a summary on its website, www.nserc.gc.ca."It's about as believable a story as you can get but it's still got holes," says Yau, who specializes in the study of space weather. Santa begins his long night aboard a sleigh NASA's shuttle has carried into an orbit 300 kilometres high, just 100 kilometres below the space station. That altitude lets the reindeer really move, says Yau, because there's almost no air to slow them down. Of course, everyone has oxygen masks and protective suits. The sleigh travels at 28,000 kilometres an hour, the same as many orbiting satellites, which works out to 23 times the speed of sound. That may explain why some children report hearing reindeer bells on Christmas Eve. It's really sonic booms. That speed whips Santa around the Earth every 90 minutes, from the North Pole to the South and then back again as the world revolves beneath. But Santa delivers only during the first half of the orbit because it's late morning on the other side of the globe as he heads back to the North Pole. Explained Yau, "We wouldn't want Santa to show up in the middle of the day while the children are still up, would we?" Every time the sleigh returns above the North Pole, elves reload it in two minutes from presents pre-positioned there in orbit by the space shuttle. Although the size of Santa's sled is a secret, the Calgary professor was able to figure that out, too. Even if each gift is in a small box roughly 2 1/2 centimetres by 10 centimetres by 15 centimetres, that still works out to about 23,500 cubic metres of gifts for each of the 16 orbits. "You want the sleigh to be as narrow in the front as possible, to reduce drag, just like a bobsled going down a hill," says Yau. Based on eight reindeer, the scientist calculated the sleigh had to be a minimum 10 metres wide. To keep it stable in flight meant a height of 10 metres. That's a cross-section of 100 square metres so dividing that into 23,500 cubic metres means the sleigh has to be 235 metres long. Not so simple is getting the presents down to each child's house from a platform whizzing along 300 kilometres above the Earth. "That's the tricky part," Yau agrees. He figures St. Nick has some special slingshot apparatus. "But it's unknown to science," the researcher admits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 ^ thats more like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Noo wyp yer een an stop yur girnin ! Bairn s indeed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 I confess it was me greeting efter readin yun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Thocht is much. Tishoo sales ur up 30% Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 tissues na na, wipe me tears an me snurts on me sleeve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Bet yer favourit song is Greensleeves ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 the led zepplin version Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Tocht it wiz the Meatloaf version. Well you liv n learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted December 15, 2007 Report Share Posted December 15, 2007 Perhaps he just needs a change of scenery http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/ginluvva/Christmas%20card%20pics/Cantgetitoutamyhead.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheepshagger Posted December 16, 2007 Report Share Posted December 16, 2007 An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat. Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends? Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years. Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse? Davy: Naw, it nearly always p1sh es doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy. Davy: Naw, yer food's mingin big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap. Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely. Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby? Boaby: Aye. Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe. Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dugs, ah widnae touch them wae yours big yin. Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad? Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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