Any Good Jokes Gyaan Aboot?

[Bigstan]

Yesterday, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.

 

I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.

 

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

 

Oddly enough, he was holding a £20 note in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to

support her large family.

 

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save £40 to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed one of the £20 notes and disappeared into the night.

 

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

 

The boy said, "I did."

 

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

 

The boy stared at the pavement and sadly shook his head.

 

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

 

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

 

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for

help.

 

 

 

So I grabbed his other twenty and ran to my car.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

***Mod Edit - Merged to existing jokes thread***

[Bigstan]

***Mod Edit - Merged to existing jokes thread***

 

I deliberately started it in a separate thread in the hope that some people might not realise it was a joke until the end (like me before I stole it from another forum).

 

Never mind.

[Malcolm]

Chav Nativity

 

 

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

 

 

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra! weez gonna get on the social an' that.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right' Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got anuvva message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal.

But it's your look out if you stay .' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

 

 

 

The End!

[Malcolm]

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

 

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Much better than a ham sandwich isn't it?"

[Malcolm]

There will be no Nativity Scene in the House of Commons, this year!

 

The Leader of the House has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene this Christmas season.

 

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin.

 

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Malcolm]

A large seminar was held for ministers in training.

 

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such

boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's

attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a

woman that wasn't my wife!"

 

The crowd was shocked. He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my

mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which,

went over well.

 

About a week later, an old minister who had attended the seminar decided

to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one

sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit

foggy to him this morning.

 

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life

were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

 

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds

trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted

out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

[Malcolm]

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to

a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. His lawyer told

him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."

And the lawyer was right ... when the man was sent to prison,

he didn't have a dime.

[Malcolm]

It was near Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the

prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

 

"That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this

shopping?"

 

"A few hours before the store opened."

[Skyumpi]

Malcolm,

 

You are, indeed, a star!

I suspect that there will never be a dull moment with you around here - although sometimes it's a case of "never mind the quality, feel the width"!

[Malcolm]

Thank you

 

My mum always said I should be on the stage...

 

 

Sweeping it !

 

 

[Malcolm]

An atheist is walking through the woods one day when all of a sudden a huge bear runs out to attack him. The atheist runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls to the ground. As he turns rover the bear is standing on top of him, paws stretched wide ready to maul him.

 

“Oh God†screams the atheist.

 

Suddenly time stands still, the bear freezes in the attack position and a voice out of heaven says “Yes, you called?â€

 

“Oh†says the atheist “you really do exist! Can you make this bear go away?â€

 

“Why should I?†says God. “You’ve been denying my existence all your lifeâ€

 

“Fair point†says the atheist. “Ok, how about this. Can you turn the bear into a Christian instead?â€

 

“Ok†says God and time resumes once more. The bear stops in attack, bows his head meekly and says...

 

 

“Dear God. Thank you for what I am about to receive…â€

[humptygrumpty]

Rofl, Classic !

[Malcolm]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

 

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half

getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus

and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing

as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his

execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final

wish.

 

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes"

answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

 

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten

it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending

hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears

the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

 

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's

never happened before."

 

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling

tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are

still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke

is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The

executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up

to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

 

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the

executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says

the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his

banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the

switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the

chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

 

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once

again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this

time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The

executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair,

determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair

smiling.

 

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man,

"Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The

executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin

included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go

through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive

without even a burn mark.

 

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you

can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's

something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

 

Nahh" said the bloke, .............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[Malcolm]

Knock knock

 

 

 

 

 

Who's there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus who?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus Christ, open the door its freezing out here!!

[Malcolm]

Wee Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Commercial street in Lerwick.

 

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'

 

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a Bressay accent said, 'That's right, hen. The last time I found a wummin's purse, she didnae hae ony cheenge for a reward.'