Muppet Posted January 1, 2008 Report Share Posted January 1, 2008 ^^ Yeh! Have less da night afore! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuckoo Posted January 1, 2008 Report Share Posted January 1, 2008 Best hangover cure is a hair of the dog ,never fails for me , although it could also explain why i permantly feel pished ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 2, 2008 Report Share Posted January 2, 2008 ^^^^Malcolm,Du's pished. Du's repeatin dysel. A'm sure du telt yun een last week. Bit,A'll bet du dusna ken whit dey caa a drunk boady i Norway?????,,,,Auld Rasmie,,, HIC!!!!! HIC!!!!Happy New Year..PS. Onybody ken ony hangower cures,, Hic, Spew, Ooops!!!! Yup wis a wee tad tipsy Had tae dae summit while watchin abody drive past wir hoos. Got nae furst footers this year :0( ah weel, thirs alus nixt year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 3, 2008 Report Share Posted January 3, 2008 Pregnancy, Estrogen and WomenPregnancy Q &A &more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES"10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".8. You 'r e not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a bitch9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND10. Cats' facial expressions.9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.7. Fat clothes.6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.3 Eyelash curlers.2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand : 1. OTHER WOMEN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Heard this one recently Ned and Norma are enjoying some clandestine nooky in the back of Neds van one night. Ned is feeling a bit kinky and decides he would like Norma to give him a whipping. Not having a whip to hand, but keen to oblige, Norma winds down the window, snaps off the ariel and proceeds to give Ned a good whipping with it. Some days later, the wounds from the whipping are becoming a bit painful. They are not healing well and infact are beginning to fester a little. Reluctantly, and with some embarassment, Ned goes to see his doctor.After seeing the wounds the doctor gives Ned a long hard look. Did you get these wounds having sex he asks?Ned tries to deny it, but the doctor seems fairly sure. "How did you know?" Ned asks "That's easy" replied the doctor, "It's the worst case of van-ariel disease I've seen!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fjool Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Most unusual (and nerdy) poem I've ever seen... !*''# ^"`$$- !*=@$_ %*~4 &[]../ |{,,SYSTEM HALTED Translation (using somewhat dubious names for these symbols): Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeAyBee Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 ^^^^^^^ Looks like the last piece of PERL that I wrote! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Blind pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Hunting in the jungle Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything. So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw himthey ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer." So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo." The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened. He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Confused Turtle A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Doctor's Orders A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "what did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 An oldie but a Goodie Tail Light on Bike On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Njugle Posted January 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Two cannibals are eating a clownOne turns to the other and says. "Does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pooks Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 One cannibal said to the other, "I am having relationship problems". The other asked why. "I have just dumped my girlfriend" came the reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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